Infographic: America's Taste in Candy is Suspect

greatinspire.com

Halloween is gone, leaving in its wake naught but candy wrappers, empty bottles of pumpkin beer and a few mutilated pumpkins. For those of us for who hold Halloween as sacred, myself and druids mostly, these are dark, depressing days. The longest possible time until we get more Halloween. Not even the promise of the impending Thanksgiving and Christmas seasons can cheer us up. Not right now.  

                In this awful, depressing wasteland of early November, there’s only one thing to do: go back in time and pretend it’s still Halloween. Bingo. Done. So, let’s talk about this pre-Halloween infographic I just stumbled upon today. It concerns a study done on the favorite candies of each of the fifty states. More than 40,000 Americans from all states were asked to name their favorite Halloween candy. This is what they came up with.

 

                That comes courtesy of Influenster.

                To be perfectly honest, there are a lot of things mortally wrong with that picture. I’m going to pick out the six that stuck in my craw the most.

1. No Mallow Cups. The only acceptable reason for Mallow Cups to not be included on this infographic is if the question was: “What’s your favorite Halloween candy? You know, besides Mallow Cups, which are number one on everyone’s list because this is America. So besides that given, what’s your favorite?” Last year, Mallow Cups took home the top spot on my own Halloween power rankings, as it has done every year of my life. Its absence from this study is a sad testament to the decline of this great country. Click here to view the Jeff Daniels rant from The Newsroom and just imagine he’s talking about candy.
2. West Virginia Doesn’t Know the Difference Between Candy and Cookies. Seriously, West Virginia? It’s not hard. You’ve got a cookie aisle in grocery stores and a candy aisle. One of them is a thing you bake or something and the other one is made from the bones of elves or something. Look, I’m not a chef and I’m not a scientist, but I know one goddamn thing: an Oreo is not candy. I expect this kind of crap out of Florida, but not you, West Virginia.
3. Speaking of Which … What Happened to Florida? Look at it down there. Picking a great candy like Nestle Crunch, being all normal. Florida, no offense, but anecdotally-speaking, you are the dumbest and weirdest state in the Union. I half expected to scroll down and see a picture of John Candy smiling back at me because every single one of your citizens misunderstood the question. But no. You made a great pick with Nestle Crunch. Meanwhile, West Virginia is sitting up there dunking M&Ms in a glass of milk.
4. Arizona Picked Toblerone. I know two things about this candy: I’ve never had it and it comes in a long triangle box. My guess is, judging by that box, they’re super expensive. I have no science to back that up. I’m not sure how these are better than milk chocolate cups filled with marshmallow but whatever.  
5. Pennsylvania Picked Swedish Fish. Really? Swedish Fish are fine I guess, but they should not be anyone’s favorite anything. I’m going to chalk this up much in the same way I chalk up all things that are wrong with Pennsylvania: Philadelphia and Pittsburgh tried to do the right thing and then the entire middle of the state took a big dump on their good intentions.
6. What’s with that Kit Kat Logo in Montana? A quick Googling tells me that is the international Kit Kat logo. Since this survey only concerns these here United States, let’s just stick with the logo we all know and are comfortable with, yes? Yes.

One True and Seven Other Examples of Low-Stakes Fallout from 'American Sniper' Disses

candidkay.com

If there’s one rule we as Americans hold sacred it’s this: Always support things with the word “America” in the title. It’s for that very reason “American Pickers” and “American Restoration” are renewed season after season, AFC and AL teams are more popular, successful and attractive than their nationalist counterparts, and America Ferrera was a thing.

                It’s also for that reason “American Sniper” has made four hundred and seventy bazillion US dollars since its release and will soon become the first feature film to win EVERY Academy Award, even ones it’s not nominated for, with the exception of foreign film because something that patriotic can’t be be called foreign.

                Of course, not everyone loved “American Sniper” with the blinding passion of one hundred thousand suns. A few weeks ago, Seth Rogen and Michael Moore had some, shall we say, choice words on Clint Eastwood’s unimpugnable masterwork. Moore called into question the bravery of snipers in general (even American ones!) and Rogen had the unmitigated gall to say that one movie about a really good sniper reminded him of another movie about a really good sniper, even though one sniper was clearly American and the other was blatantly German!

Ever since, Moore and Rogen have been taking a beating in the court of public opinion. Recently they sustained what might be the … uh … least damaging blow yet. Moore and Rogen have been officially banned from Brann’s Sizzling Steaks and Sports Grille in Wyoming, MI.

According to the image posted by Good Morning America, an electric sign outside the restaurant read: “Michael Moore and Seth Rogan (sic) are NOT allowed in my place.”

Tommy Brann, the owner of the aforementioned establishment, explained their ban thusly:

“It really disturbed me what they said, especially after Chris Kyle dying. He’s far from being a coward. I was mad, it’s my restaurant, I want to do it, so I did it … I have a lot of military friends, my uncle Dave was a prisoner of war in Germany, my uncle Ted served, my dad served. I think it was a slam on the military and a slam on Chris Kyle.”

While Brann’s status as a true American hero is beyond dispute, let’s be honest, I’m sure Rogen and Moore were devastated to hear the news that if they ever find themselves in Wyoming, MI – population 72,125, the third largest community or city in West Michigan, the 14th largest city in the state of Michigan, the 18th largest community in the state and the largest suburb of Grand Rapids, all according to Wikipedia – they won’t be welcomed at that one particular restaurant.

Truly devastating.

Zen and the Art of Headlight Bulb Replacement: A Journey Through Time

brojsimpson.com

I’m not what you’d call a handy person.  I have hands, two of them, and I use them in the fashion that society deems appropriate.

                But when it comes to using those hands to fix things in and around the house, well, that isn’t what you’d call a strong suit.

                I like to dabble though. When something minor breaks, I’ll usually pull out my jar of elbow grease and at least attempt to fix whatever it is that needs a-fixin’.

                And I’ll apply that kinda-can-do attitude with my car whenever possible.

                I know nothing about cars or how they work. If I opened the hood of my car and saw a team of hamsters in tracks suits poised on wheels, waiting for a larger hamster holding a tiny pistol to pull the trigger, I would not be surprised.

However, getting your car repaired is very expensive. So anytime my car has an issue that seems doable, like it needs gas or oil or hamster food, well, I’ll roll up my sleeves, tuck my pant legs into my socks and give it a whirl.               

And hell, there’s something quite satisfying about tinkering with your car.

Maybe it appeals to that prehistoric part of a man’s brain. The part that gets mocked on network sitcoms because it refuses to ask for directions, preferring rather to starve to death on America’s interstate system on its own merit, then find shelter with the help of another person.

That’s also the same part of a caveman’s brain that, when his foot-powered car broke, insisted on popping the hood and taking a look-see.

Now cars and caveman culture may not be my strong suits, but that doesn’t stop me from trying.