Infographic: America's Taste in Candy is Suspect

greatinspire.com

Halloween is gone, leaving in its wake naught but candy wrappers, empty bottles of pumpkin beer and a few mutilated pumpkins. For those of us for who hold Halloween as sacred, myself and druids mostly, these are dark, depressing days. The longest possible time until we get more Halloween. Not even the promise of the impending Thanksgiving and Christmas seasons can cheer us up. Not right now.  

                In this awful, depressing wasteland of early November, there’s only one thing to do: go back in time and pretend it’s still Halloween. Bingo. Done. So, let’s talk about this pre-Halloween infographic I just stumbled upon today. It concerns a study done on the favorite candies of each of the fifty states. More than 40,000 Americans from all states were asked to name their favorite Halloween candy. This is what they came up with.

 

                That comes courtesy of Influenster.

                To be perfectly honest, there are a lot of things mortally wrong with that picture. I’m going to pick out the six that stuck in my craw the most.

1. No Mallow Cups. The only acceptable reason for Mallow Cups to not be included on this infographic is if the question was: “What’s your favorite Halloween candy? You know, besides Mallow Cups, which are number one on everyone’s list because this is America. So besides that given, what’s your favorite?” Last year, Mallow Cups took home the top spot on my own Halloween power rankings, as it has done every year of my life. Its absence from this study is a sad testament to the decline of this great country. Click here to view the Jeff Daniels rant from The Newsroom and just imagine he’s talking about candy.
2. West Virginia Doesn’t Know the Difference Between Candy and Cookies. Seriously, West Virginia? It’s not hard. You’ve got a cookie aisle in grocery stores and a candy aisle. One of them is a thing you bake or something and the other one is made from the bones of elves or something. Look, I’m not a chef and I’m not a scientist, but I know one goddamn thing: an Oreo is not candy. I expect this kind of crap out of Florida, but not you, West Virginia.
3. Speaking of Which … What Happened to Florida? Look at it down there. Picking a great candy like Nestle Crunch, being all normal. Florida, no offense, but anecdotally-speaking, you are the dumbest and weirdest state in the Union. I half expected to scroll down and see a picture of John Candy smiling back at me because every single one of your citizens misunderstood the question. But no. You made a great pick with Nestle Crunch. Meanwhile, West Virginia is sitting up there dunking M&Ms in a glass of milk.
4. Arizona Picked Toblerone. I know two things about this candy: I’ve never had it and it comes in a long triangle box. My guess is, judging by that box, they’re super expensive. I have no science to back that up. I’m not sure how these are better than milk chocolate cups filled with marshmallow but whatever.  
5. Pennsylvania Picked Swedish Fish. Really? Swedish Fish are fine I guess, but they should not be anyone’s favorite anything. I’m going to chalk this up much in the same way I chalk up all things that are wrong with Pennsylvania: Philadelphia and Pittsburgh tried to do the right thing and then the entire middle of the state took a big dump on their good intentions.
6. What’s with that Kit Kat Logo in Montana? A quick Googling tells me that is the international Kit Kat logo. Since this survey only concerns these here United States, let’s just stick with the logo we all know and are comfortable with, yes? Yes.

Trick-or-Treating for Dummies: Best & Worst Candy Power Rankings

www.thecatco.com

Conventional wisdom says you should stop trick or treating long before you get to the age when most of your peers have children who are old enough to start trick or treating. Then again, conventional wisdom also says you shouldn't wear white socks with dress shoes, so as far as I'm concerned, conventional wisdom can suck an egg. So whether you’re an adult, a child, or stuck in one of those ghastly ages in between, my cap is off to you if you plan on venturing out into night on Halloween to hit up your neighbors – politely – for some free candy.

I won’t be out on the streets with you, comrades. I’ll be indoors as the lure of a night-long pumpkin beer and horror movie binge once again proved too great to resist. I’ll still be dispensing candy, however, because I just so happen to love George Washington and I refuse to allow his sacrifice to be in vain.

If you are planning to trick-or-treat this year, it’s important to have an air tight game plan, which I’m sure you already know and have. But I’m not just talking about picking the right neighborhood, although that is a crucial step. Once you’re out there, you have to make sure you’re getting the right candy as compensation for your efforts. When faced with a giant bowl of assorted goodies, it’s easy to make a panicked decision and next thing you know, you’re coming home with a metric ton of gum and those weird, too-busy Take Five candy bars. Basically, you’ve wasted your evening.

I don’t want anyone of any age to have to experience such a thing and so, as a public service, here’s my official Best and Worst Halloween Candy Power Rankings. Commit this list to memory so when you’re going door-to-door, you’ll know what your primary target should be, what you can safely fall back to, and what you need to avoid like it’s guaranteed to be chock full o’ razor blades.