While reading through the ample fan mail this blog generates – shhh, just go with it – I noticed a few of you felt rather shortchanged by my wedding post the other week. After all, I’m the same guy who wrote so many words about selling a bass guitar he hadn’t played in years that the post had to be split in two to be manageable. Somehow that guy had put up only 150 words of vows and a paragraph of “Thank Yous” to commemorate the biggest event of his life. Well, second biggest after that time I saw “Terminator 2” on the big screen a few years ago. 35mm print. It was pretty sweet. But the wedding, definitely a stranglehold on second. By a mile.
Anyway, it was wrong and lazy of me and I apologize. Never fear. I plan on making it up to you by giving you a full, unedited, play-by-play of the honeymoon which followed. Nothing is off limits. No snack break too uneventful to be typed up. No encounter with another human being too brief or inconsequential to be given a permanent home on the Internet. I plan on breaking down the upper atmospheric conditions which created the weather each day, demonstrating the course of each storm which threatened us with detailed, exhaustive maps.
No one will be spared. You have been warned.
Ah god. On second thought, that sounds tiring. Also invasive. Who can remember what they snacked on in a given day? Look, we went to Disney World and we had a blast. We rubbed elbows with famous celebrity cartoons and received a number of highly valuable autographs which we will use to finance a campaign to re-write the Constitution in order to allow our children, cats to some, to be able to be President. So look forward to that.
I do have some thoughts on the honeymoon, more specifically on Disney itself. Yes we had a blast, however, there are a few particular areas where I feel like Disney could make improvements. I will now list them for you:
1. More Themed Bathrooms. Disney World is billed as the “Most magical place on Earth.” All of that magic apparently missed most of the bathrooms. If I had a dollar for every bathroom my new wife walked out looking cheesed-off, well, let’s just say I wouldn’t have to auction off my book of character autographs to pay for changing the Constitution. We counted two fun-themed bathrooms in all of Disney World. Two. The rest were just regular bathrooms. Regular bathrooms packed with pushy, sun-addled masses of humanity. Even though this situation did give rise to what I’d like to call the theme of the honeymoon (“Sometimes a bathroom is just a bathroom,” put that on a T-shirt), I feel like a few more fun-themed bathrooms would make the rude tourists a little more bearable.
2. Improved traffic flow. In most of the heavily populated areas I’ve been in, sidewalk traffic more or less mirrors the flow of street traffic. People going one way, stick to one side of the sidewalk, people going the other direction take the other side. It just makes things easier for everyone. Foot traffic is Disney is a complete cluster f. People walk in whatever direction they want, they stop on a dime and change direction for seemingly no reason. It’s madness. I propose painting some street lines to indicate direction, maybe even install traffic lights. Put up a few traffic signs to sort of explain things. People clearly can’t be trusted to figure this stuff out on their own, so clearly The Man, Mickey in this case, has to step in and take charge.
3. A foam-covered whiffle ball bat to all entrants. The bats are going to function as a side arm to be used against people who are either too confused or feel they are too important to follow Disney’s new traffic laws. If you see someone walking down the wrong side of the sidewalk, just give them a good whack. Not enough to injure them, but hard enough to let them know their behavior isn’t acceptable in our modern society. Of course, this could easily get out of hand. That’s why anyone caught by a character/Disney castmember misusing a bat gets not one but TWO whacks. Anyone caught misusing a bat twice becomes property of the Disney corporation so yeah… The House of Mouse is all about rapid escalation.
4. More “Wall-E” stuff. I mean, Disney. C’mon. It’s your unquestioned best movie. A few pins and a random video game ain’t no way to honor it. I want the cleaning crew to be using broom/butler combos which look like M-O. Better yet, I want actual M-Os rolling around the park, angrily cleaning up after people. Having an army of uppity robots in the park could easily go south in a hurry and turn into a “West World” situation, but if it didn’t it would be adorable. Truthfully, it would probably be pretty adorable even if it did turn into “West World.” Terrifying and adorable.