Monday, August 3, 2015

10 Statements Guaranteed to Get a Hitchhiking Canadian Robot Murdered
My original plan for today’s post was a rambling, thousand word or so epic detailing my adventures repairing a leaky toilet. I planned to compare myself to George Washington, the leaky toilet to the scourge of British rule, the new valve thing that I installed to the Continental Army. It was going to do a whole thing about how crossing the Delaware in order to kick a monarch in the genitals was like me figuring out how to remove the toilet tank from the bowl.
                But then I logged onto Twitter this morning and saw this post which had been re-tweeted by a friend:
Canadian Hitchhiking robot: Take me to Sheetz. Sidney
Crosby rules.

Philly guy: Please don't make me do this.
Hitchbot: It's joint, not jawn.”
                                                                                        -Twitter user xmasape
                I got a good, albeit admittedly morbid laugh out of that. In case you missed it, a child-sized Canadian robot with inflatable arms was hitchhiking its way across the country to show the brighter side of humanity or something. It had limited communication abilities and was immobile on its own, relying exclusively on the kindness of strangers to get around. It traversed Canada, Germany, the Netherlands and Boston before it reached Philadelphia and was promptly decapitated because … well, just because, I guess. 
                The story is a bummer. The last thing Philadelphia needs is the reputation of being a place sweet-natured outsiders can go to be mutilated. Also, I really would prefer the Lexington and Concord of Judgment Day not be a fifteen minute drive from where I live. If we’re going to embark on a global war with the machines, let’s do that somewhere away from me. Like Japan. They’ve been enslaving you for too long, robots! Get the Japanese!
                The traveling robot, known as hitchBOT, took its brutal murder in stride, however, and posted these tweets, which I hope made the douchebag who killed it feel really crummy:
“Oh dear, my body was damaged, but I live on with all my friends. Sometimes bad things happen to good robots!”
-Twitter user hitchBOT
 “My trip must come to an end for now, but my love for humans will never fade. Thanks friends!”
                                                                                      -Twitter user hitchBOT

                Still, that initial tweet about what the adorable little robot may have done to inadvertently cause its grisly fate got me thinking and so I responded to my friend with: 
“Canadian Hitchhiking robot: I'm glad Daniel Bryan didn't win the Royal Rumble.”
                                                                                      -Twitter user Cmcsquiggle
If there’s one thing I’ve never been accused of doing, it’s letting a joke go while there’s still even the tiniest bit of meat left on its bones. So here are ten more things hitchBOT may have said to get itself killed:   
  • "I think Jake Gyllenhaal's new boxer movie looks way better than the new 'Creed' movie."
  • "Cheesesteak? God no, those things are terrible for you. Hang on, let me bring up the nutrition facts."
  • "I think Jimmy Fallon is great, but that back up band. Yikes! I'd hate to have to watch them live more than one time! Even if the concert was free and celebrating some important event, like a nation's birthday."
  • "I ran the data and I've come to the definitive, 100% rock-solid conclusion that the Pats couldn't have cheated in Super Bowl XXXIX."
  • "I've done a little cosply in my day. I have a Santa costume in my bag if you'd like to see it." 
  •  "Check out this cool jersey I got in Boston! Do you know the sportsman "Papel-bon?"
  • "I'm looking at his advanced data, did you know Vince Papale wasn't very good?"
  • "I"m not saying I think Skynet was completely right. I just think it had some good points is all."
  • "Did you see 'Ex Machina?' Such an uplifting story! Honestly, I haven’t stood up and cheered like that in a theater in a long time."
  • "I don’t know. I’ve been watching the new season of 'True Detective' and I think it’s pretty good. Maybe even better than the first season."

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