The 10 Dumbest Christmas Songs Ever Written

mashable.com

It’s become a bit of a tradition on this blog for me to set my sights on a beloved Christmas song and then nitpick it to absolute death. It’s fun. We all love it. However, I won’t be doing it this year. I’ve already covered the two biggest, easiest targets (Here & Here) and, with those two off the board, there really isn’t another Christmas song out there I can muster 800+ angry words about. The good news is, there are plenty of songs I can muster a few dozen angry words about. Lo, I give you: The 10 Dumbest Christmas Songs Ever Written.

(Editor’s note: In the name of making this a comprehensive list, I had to include a few old friends in the mix.) 

10 Statements Guaranteed to Get a Hitchhiking Canadian Robot Murdered

www.n-tv.de

My original plan for today’s post was a rambling, thousand word or so epic detailing my adventures repairing a leaky toilet. I planned to compare myself to George Washington, the leaky toilet to the scourge of British rule, the new valve thing that I installed to the Continental Army. It was going to do a whole thing about how crossing the Delaware in order to kick a monarch in the genitals was like me figuring out how to remove the toilet tank from the bowl.

                But then I logged onto Twitter this morning and saw this post which had been re-tweeted by a friend:

“Canadian Hitchhiking robot: Take me to Sheetz. Sidney
Crosby rules.
Philly guy: Please don't make me do this.
Hitchbot: It's joint, not jawn.”

                                                                                        -Twitter user xmasape

                I got a good, albeit admittedly morbid laugh out of that. In case you missed it, a child-sized Canadian robot with inflatable arms was hitchhiking its way across the country to show the brighter side of humanity or something. It had limited communication abilities and was immobile on its own, relying exclusively on the kindness of strangers to get around. It traversed Canada, Germany, the Netherlands and Boston before it reached Philadelphia and was promptly decapitated because … well, just because, I guess. 

                The story is a bummer. The last thing Philadelphia needs is the reputation of being a place sweet-natured outsiders can go to be mutilated. Also, I really would prefer the Lexington and Concord of Judgment Day not be a fifteen minute drive from where I live. If we’re going to embark on a global war with the machines, let’s do that somewhere away from me. Like Japan. They’ve been enslaving you for too long, robots! Get the Japanese!

                The traveling robot, known as hitchBOT, took its brutal murder in stride, however, and posted these tweets, which I hope made the douchebag who killed it feel really crummy:

“Oh dear, my body was damaged, but I live on with all my friends. Sometimes bad things happen to good robots!”

-Twitter user hitchBOT

 “My trip must come to an end for now, but my love for humans will never fade. Thanks friends!”

                                                                                      -Twitter user hitchBOT

Top 10 Most Badass Fictional Fathers of All Time

www.raisingsienna.com

Fathers. You may love them or you may be super, super PO’d at them, but the fact remains: We wouldn’t be here without them.

                Unless ladies start figuring out how to reproduce like a hydra and just start having small people bud off of them.

                But completely reorganizing their bodies’ basic chemistry and makeup will probably take women, I don’t know, like a few years or something so we should be safe for a little while, fellas.  

                And so since women are stuck with us for the time being and since today is the day god ordained as a celebration of all things fatherhood, I decided it was the right time for a list.

                At first I was going to do, best fathers, but that would be too easy since my dad would win and I would come in second. Suck it Abe Lincoln, I’ve got two cats and they really like me.

                In order to make things a little more challenging, I went decided to go down the fictional father avenue. But not just best or most inspiring or something lame like that. Instead, I’ll be building my list on the most basic, cornerstone trait of any successful father: badass-ness.

                And so here they are, the Ten Most Badass Fictional Fathers of all time: