Plot: Surprise! In the plot twist to end all plot twists, Johnny Depp tech survived an assassination attempt! And most likely a second one! Oh yeah and some other stuff happened.
Let’s see, Kate dragged Simone’s mostly dead body into the CIA for resurrecting and interrogating purposes. After a lot of icky medical talk, the doctor gives Simone a shot which wakes her up long enough for her to sell out Mama Stark’s former location and Naveed’s magic disk thing that gives whoever has it access to the terrorist cell’s computer stuff.
Meanwhile, Jack and Chief of Staff Mark are ordered by President Heller to play nice and come up with a plan to get him to a rendezvous with Mama Stark all without anyone noticing. Jack proceeds to come up with the plan in a second all by himself. It involves extracting the President from the building and getting him to Wembley Stadium in a helicopter. Mark’s role in this? Act like a horrible bureaucrat and hold an endless staff meeting that no one needs while important stuff happens everywhere else. It’s the role both men were born to play and they pull it off without a hitch.
Elsewhere, Depp survives the aforementioned assassination attempt and calls in to Benjamin Bratt to come get him. Of course, Bratt is a mole, so he tips the assassin off to Depp’s location. Depp briefly gets a leg up on the assassin, but their fight ends with the assassin shot and dead and Depp stabbed and in poor shape. I guess we can count that as a partial win for the pencil-pushers out there?
I mean, that’s pretty much all the big happenings. Sure, Jack and Heller arrive at Wembley. Sure Chloe tries and fails to use Naveed’s magic disk thing to stop the drones and sure Mama Stark drone strikes the living beejesus out of President Heller as he stands helpless in the middle of the stadium, while Jack watches in the wings.
But the important thing was totally all that Johnny Depp tech stuff.
Good: Holy shit that ending, you guys! Admittedly, “24” was getting a little stale. There were the usual betrayals and double-crosses and mole reveals, but it was starting to feel a teeny tiny bit blah. But killing Heller? That’s the type of thing that keeps everyone on their toes and reignites the tension.
Good: Kate says please. Maybe Kate and Jack aren’t so similar after all. Jack’s interrogation method involves threatening to shove towels down people’s throats and to tear out their stomach lining. Kate? She asks nicely. And just like that, Simone starts spilling the beans! Stomach lining unmolested. What a world.
Bad: Heller and Audrey’s goodbye. Audrey doesn’t know the plan is for Heller to give himself over to Mama Stark. Still, Heller is her dad and the President and she literally has zero time to talk to him. How important is that form? Also, you’ll notice a pattern here coming up.
Good: Pencil-pushers unite. Still won’t learn your name sir and your plot line doesn’t interest me in the slightest other than Michael Wincott’s glancing involvement. Still, you go noodle arms.
Bad: Heller’s reaction to impromptu surgery. Jack cuts the Prez’s tracking chip out of his arm. Heller responds by yelling “Yikes” and “Wow-o.” Come on, man. You’re the President. At least drop a goddmanit.
Good: Heller’s plain black baseball cap disguise. Where do people find these things? I feel like if I ever see a guy walking around in a black cap with no logo, I’ll just assume he’s involved in shadiness.
Bad: A bloodless Jack Bauer extraction mission is a like a birthday without cake. One measly guard gets knocked out? That’s it? Sigh.
Good: Jack parks the helicopter in the parking lot instead of in the open air stadium. Because some rules can’t be broken.
Good: Random 30 second Michael Wincott appearance. He calls to check in on Bratt, there’s no progress. He hangs up and calls Chloe, she’s still helping Jack. Done and done. See you next week everyone. There was a missed sitcom opportunity here for Wincott to get confused and accidentally talk to Chloe in the spooky voice about treason or make kissy sounds at Bratt.
Bad: Audrey and Mark. She finds out her dad is giving himself over to terrorists and Mark knew about it and then they have the worst, least interesting argument ever. They have the kind of argument a couple would have if one of them took the last Greek yogurt. Audrey is the worst.
Good: Did we talk about Heller getting drone-striked all to hell? Because that was legitimately shocking. So much so, I assume we’ll find out this was all a scam and that Chloe actually did hack the drones and managed to imbed a fake video of Heller blowing up.