Monday, September 7, 2015

Transforming Labor Day into the Greatest Holiday Ever: 6 Easy Steps

Happy Labor Day to all! For over a hundred years now, the good citizens of the US have celebrated Labor Day. It’s a day designated to honor the hard work and sacrifice of the American workforce. That sounds just dynamite … in theory. In practice, however, Labor Day is a little bit blah.
                Allow me to explain.
                See, Labor Day is the third holiday is a row that’s celebrated in essentially the exact same way. We wave American flags, shoot off fireworks, go to the beach, hold a BBQ and maybe watch a parade. In practice, it’s exactly like Memorial Day and the Fourth of July, except it’s worse because while those fall at the beginning and middle of summer, Labor Day falls at the end. So it’s exactly like those other summer holidays, except that it’s also the unofficial start of the school year.
                I’m not saying we ditch Labor Day. I enjoy days off from work and celebrating America as much as the next guy. In fact, Labor Day can easily become our greatest holiday. It just needs a slight face lift. Here’s what I’m proposing:
                Step 1: Reformat all Labor Day parades. Typically in a parade, at least the smaller ones, you get a bunch of kids riding their bikes in red, white and blue, maybe chucking candy at you. This is nice, but it’s too Memorial Day-y and Fourth of July-y. For Labor Day, how about we keep the kids, but dress them from head to toe in rags, cover them in grease and have them throw severed fingers and hands at onlookers? You know, to symbolize how all of our children could be spending their youths crawling around inside machinery, losing digits left and right? I mean, the fingers and hands could be gummies at least. That might be fun.
                Step 2: Put some Union classics in theaters. Movie studios tend to shy away from Labor Day weekend in terms of big releases. The most successful Labor Day opening of all time is Rob Zombie’s hot pile of garbage “Halloween.” Since new-Hollywood isn’t using Labor Day correctly, let’s flood cinemas with some old school Union classics like “How Green was My Valley.” No non-workforce-related movies allowed! Make it a day of learning. If this so happens to give movie theater people a slower holiday, well then don’t say I never did anything foryou.
                Step 3: Do something with costumes. Adults, kids, we all love dressing up as stuff. What if on Labor Day we all dressed up as our favorite labor leaders? Imagine going to the grocery store decked out in your finest Samuel Gompers attire and seeing your typically straight-laced neighbor rocking a Cesar Chavez ensemble? You two can ask questions about each other’s outfits, maybe share a laugh. Fun and educational.   
                Step 4: We need some sort of game. Easter has its egg hunts. If I was a less politically correct man, maybe I’d suggest some sort of game where someone hides a Jimmy Hoffa action figure and then others have to go find it. But I’m very politically correct and thus I will not suggest that. Not. At. All. Not suggesting it.
                Step 5: Needs a signature horror movie. All the great holidays have them, Labor Day needs one. I’ll tweet at Eli Roth about this. Maybe my bestie Alex Aja will want to help.
                Step 6: Must-have TV tradition. After a long day of cos-play, union movie marathons and morbid child parades, families may want to settle down together in front of the TV. What better way to do that than with one of the greatest “Simpsons” episodes of all time?” An episode which may also be one of the greatest pro-Union works of all time? That’s right, from season four, episode 17, 1993’s “Last Exit to Springfield.” Homer as a Union head battles Mr. Burns over the nuclear plant’s dental plan. It could easily become Labor Day’s answer to the Charlie Brown Christmas Special or Rudolph.         

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