Thursday, January 29, 2015

Illicit Ramblings from Puppy Bowl Media Week
This Sunday is Super Bowl Sunday which means one thing and one thing only: PUPPY BOWL! That’s right, Puppy Bowl XI will air on Animal Planet this upcoming Sunday at 3 p.m. Yes, sport’s greatest spectacle is upon us once again. Adorable beasts will be pitted against other adorable beasts in a battle of attrition the likes of which is simply unparalleled in today’s world of neutered athletic competition.
                They will chase toys, run up and down an artificial playing surface, probably fall in a water bowl or two, sniff each other’s butts and so on.
                And this year, the competition will be at a level never before witnessed on the Puppy Gridiron. According to a report, this year the athletes will be divided into two separate teams in lieu of the traditional “every man for himself” arrangement. The two teams will be Team Ruff and Team Fluff and they will battle for the new but already highly-coveted and celebrated “Lumbarki” trophy.
                As is tradition, The Cheese Life submitted a request to Animal Planet to be allowed to participate in Puppy Bowl Media Week and as is tradition that request was denied. Something was said about how “There’s no such thing as Puppy Bowl Media Week, these are just animals, they can’t consent to interviews or even respond to questions in a way that’s able to be written up.” Whatever. I assume it’s because this is a blog and as we all know, Animal Planet is firmly in the pocket of old media.
                Good news: This year a Cheese Life operative managed to sneak into Animal Planet’s corporate headquarters in Silver Spring, MD and get the inside scoop on what we can all expect when the teams hit the field for the only event that matters. Said operative claims to have spent the better part of a week holed up in and around the facility and meeting with many of the event’s key players and officials.
                Now, while I can’t confirm this operative was famed film producer and disgraced corn farmer Drake Stone, I can say that the operative’s notes were left in the third floor men’s room of our very own Cheese Life headquarters. The door to this bathroom was found opened yesterday even though it had been locked since Stone mysteriously vanished, as he had the only key and no one cared enough to call a locksmith. Also, the notes were found in a manila folder with lock of blonde doll hair tied together with a blue and green polka dot ribbon, another very telling sign if you know Drake.

                The notes were handwritten and jumbled and predominately focused on the writer’s bizarre eating and hygiene habits, but they will mostly be transcribed here as is, in order to maintain the author’s vision. One note of warning: Much of the author's political commentary on Indonesia’s foreign policy on Laotian immigrants has been edited out for reasons of space and political correctness.
                Presenting, The Cheese Life’s exclusive coverage of Puppy Bowl Media Week:
  • Monday: Morning. Arrived at Animal Planet headquarters, was denied access by security guard who informed me Puppy Bowl Media Week was not a valid reason for entry. Informed him I was the true and direct voice of the fans. No reaction. Went to a nearby restaurant and ordered six apples wrapped in bacon. Ate. Returned to Animal Planet headquarters. Gained entry by releasing hundreds of stray dogs in the area of the security guard outpost. Found a suitable third floor bathroom. Slept. Awoke to find my watch had stopped. Ventured out to explore the third floor. Discovered it was night time. Ate an entire bowl of mints. The good kind. Slept.
  • Tuesday: Morning. Let myself into a conference room to brush teeth and shave. While this was going on, a meeting sprung up around me. No one acknowledged my presence. Turns out Stella, the dog from “Modern Family” will be singing the National Anthem before Puppy Bowl. Realized one of meeting attendees was Puppy Bowl referee Dan Schachner. Decided to follow. Gave up pursuit shortly after, purchased twelve packages of Twix from vending machine, discarded all right Twix as per WHO requirements. Ate in third floor bathroom. Resumed following Schachner. Introduced myself as one of the participants in Sunday’s event. He didn’t question this. Called it a day. Slept in third floor bathroom.
  • Wednesday: Ate remaining left Twix bars. While cleaning up in a nearby office, I noticed three dogs walking the halls. Began following them. Immediately discovered. We hit it off. They informed me they were participating in Sunday’s event, names are: (redacted), (redacted), (redacted). I interviewed each one separately about the game, but they each gave the following response: “I’ve trained my entire life for this event. Nobody expects me to win, but if I go out there and play my game, I know good things will happen.” After the interview, we tipped over a few trashcans for lunch. The dogs left and I was questioned by a vicious secretary with angry eyes. She called security, I hid in a roomy air duct. Fell asleep.
  • Thursday: Found Schachner again. Followed him around the building and out the front door. In the parking lot I introduced myself as a member of the sporting press. He said he thought I was playing on Sunday. We laughed. Now best friends, we went out antiquing in the Silver Spring area. He found a Jolly Green Giant figurine he had to have. Haggled with the octogenarian woman behind the counter over the price for upwards of six hours. I grew bored and wandered back to Animal Planet headquarters. Having stolen Schachner’s ID card, I passed through security unmolested. I dinned in the Animal Planet executive cafeteria on elephant steaks and peanut butter crisps. Schachner returned without the figurine and had me escorted from the building. Interviewed a cat in parking lot who claimed to be in the kitty halftime show. Story seems doubtful considering the cat looked to be about 18 years old and had lost most of the hair on its left side. Still, I consider the scoop it gave me about Katy Perry’s cat “Kitty Purry” headlining the event to be 100% authentic. Used cat as pillow.

             The notes end there. The Cheese Life will 100% not stand behind these reports as completely and utterly factual. Just because something was found in a bathroom with a lock of doll hair doesn’t make it real, after all. However, we have no problem lending credibility to this wild speculation by publishing it here because this is sports journalism. Without baseless, ugly nonsense, we’d have nothing.