I’m a fairly agreeable person. It takes a lot to really get under my skin.
Wait a minute, that’s not true at all. Just ask my poor beleaguered girlfriend. I basically have to leave the room anytime she eats anything. Not because of anything she’s doing either, I just can’t stand the sound of chewing. It’s worse than nails on a chalkboard to me. If I don’t leave, then I usually just keep nagging her to chew more quietly until she either finishes or leaves.
I’m such a joy.
Aside from chewing, loud or otherwise, another thing that drives me absolutely insane? People who talk in movie theaters.
The things I would do or have done to these people aren’t fit to be printed on the internet.
The other weekend, my girlfriend and I went to see “Insidious: Chapter II.” It was a risky proposition because, despite my love of horror movies, more times than not I’ll wait until they come out on DVD.
Part of that is because my girlfriend hates horror movies. The other part is that people just love to talk during horror movies. More so than any other genre.
And once our movie started, so did some other members of the audience.
The two teenage girls sitting a few seats down from my girlfriend and I came in late and started talking early. Before long, they were talking constantly. Usually conversations usually only happen during the parts that aren’t scary or the build-up to scary parts. Which is still most of the movie.
But no, those two were talking during everything.
Eventually, my mind snapped. Now, despite my many idiosyncrasies, I’m just about one of the most polite people you will ever meet. Most times, I will go out of my way, to the point of making things worse for myself, to avoid offending someone else. This goes double for strangers. Not sure why, but it does.
I’ve gone to restaurants, ordered well-done hamburgers, gotten medium-rare and choked them down because I refused to complain and risk making the waiter feel bad. As if he cared, honestly, but that's the way my head works.
In that theater, I felt I endured enough. I summoned all of my nerd-rage, pent up over the years and released it in giant “Shh!”
Yeah, I totally Shh’d those chicks, man.
One of them gave me an icy stare, which I returned. Eventually, she broke the gaze. I had won. I had made someone I didn’t know and never would mad at me and I was happy about it. It was a strange feeling.
Her and her friend didn’t completely stop talking, but they were considerably better during the rest of the movie. Unfortunately there were several other people who picked up the slack those two dropped and started their own conversations.
Unlike Batman, I wasn’t able to inspire anyone else to act and my fellow movie goers remained silent.
I didn’t Shh those other people for two reasons.
One: They weren’t that close to me so they weren’t bothering me as much as the two girls in our row.
Two: I’m not a guy who pushes his luck. I had one minor victory that evening. There was no way in hell I was going to try for two.
Movie theater owners of the world, take heed: I don’t need 3-D, state of the art sound systems or motion seats to make me go to the theater more often. I don’t even need cheaper tickets or popcorn.
All I need is for you to keep out the worthless dickheads who think they’re entitled to talk through a movie.
I propose a new system: One theater for people who actually plan on watching the movie and a separate one for people who don’t.
In order to get into the good theaters, you’ll have to surrender your cellphone, iPod, iPad, tablet, shoelaces, anything and everything that could be a distraction.
An usher will be assigned to the theater and if he or she catches anyone talking beyond a quick and quiet “What was he in?” or “That was scary!” they must throw the people out, no refund. Or kill them. No, no. Throw them out is probably fine.
In the theaters for dickheads, anything goes. No shirts, no shoes, no problem! Just a bunch of animals swinging on chandeliers in those theaters.
That way, everyone wins. Especially me.