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I’m a fairly agreeable person. It takes a lot to really get
under my skin.
Wait a
minute, that’s not true at all. Just ask my poor beleaguered girlfriend. I basically
have to leave the room anytime she eats anything. Not because of anything she’s
doing either, I just can’t stand the sound of chewing. It’s worse than nails on
a chalkboard to me. If I don’t leave, then I usually just keep nagging her to
chew more quietly until she either finishes or leaves.
I’m
such a joy.
Aside
from chewing, loud or otherwise, another thing that drives me absolutely insane?
People who talk in movie theaters.
The things
I would do or have done to these people aren’t fit to be printed on the
internet.
The
other weekend, my girlfriend and I went to see “Insidious: Chapter II.” It was
a risky proposition because, despite my love of horror movies, more times than
not I’ll wait until they come out on DVD.
Part of
that is because my girlfriend hates horror movies. The other part is that people
just love to talk during horror movies. More so than any other genre.
And once our movie started, so did some
other members of the audience.
The two teenage girls sitting a few
seats down from my girlfriend and I came in late and started talking early.
Before long, they were talking constantly. Usually conversations usually only
happen during the parts that aren’t scary or the build-up to scary parts. Which
is still most of the movie.
But no,
those two were talking during everything.
Eventually,
my mind snapped. Now, despite my many idiosyncrasies, I’m just about one of the
most polite people you will ever meet. Most times, I will go out of my way, to the point of
making things worse for myself, to avoid offending someone else. This goes double for strangers. Not sure why, but it does.
I’ve
gone to restaurants, ordered well-done hamburgers, gotten medium-rare and
choked them down because I refused to complain and risk making the waiter feel bad. As if he cared, honestly, but that's the way my head works.
In that
theater, I felt I endured enough. I summoned all of my nerd-rage, pent up over
the years and released it in giant “Shh!”
Yeah, I
totally Shh’d those chicks, man.
One of
them gave me an icy stare, which I returned. Eventually, she broke the gaze. I
had won. I had made someone I didn’t know and never would mad at me and I was
happy about it. It was a strange feeling.
Her and
her friend didn’t completely stop talking, but they were considerably better
during the rest of the movie. Unfortunately there were several other people who
picked up the slack those two dropped and started their own conversations.
Unlike
Batman, I wasn’t able to inspire anyone else to act and my fellow movie goers
remained silent.
I didn’t
Shh those other people for two reasons.
One:
They weren’t that close to me so they weren’t bothering me as much as the two
girls in our row.
Two: I’m
not a guy who pushes his luck. I had one minor victory that evening. There was
no way in hell I was going to try for two.
Movie
theater owners of the world, take heed: I don’t need 3-D, state of the art
sound systems or motion seats to make me go to the theater more often. I don’t
even need cheaper tickets or popcorn.
All I need
is for you to keep out the worthless dickheads who think they’re entitled to
talk through a movie.
I
propose a new system: One theater for people who actually plan on watching the
movie and a separate one for people who don’t.
In
order to get into the good theaters, you’ll have to surrender your cellphone,
iPod, iPad, tablet, shoelaces, anything and everything that could be a
distraction.
An
usher will be assigned to the theater and if he or she catches anyone talking
beyond a quick and quiet “What was he in?” or “That was scary!” they must throw
the people out, no refund. Or kill them. No, no. Throw them out is probably
fine.
In the theaters for dickheads, anything goes.
No shirts, no shoes, no problem! Just a bunch of animals swinging on chandeliers
in those theaters.
That way, everyone wins. Especially
me.
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