Monday, September 16, 2013

Babies and weddings or what to expect when you put them on the guestlist

So this blog entry is going to be about babies. Again. Sorry, but this is what happens when you start getting old.
            Even if you don’t have an actual human baby to cart around, babies somehow find start playing a bigger role in your life. People you know have them. Those same people expect you to interact with the baby. They want you to hold it, fawn over it, call it cute and such.
            I was at a family member’s wedding the other day. It was a pleasant affair. There was boozing, dancing, cheesy wedding music. Good times.
On the list of cons was the unfortunate church ceremony, but whatevs. To each their own on the subject of religion.
Another con? One of the bridesmaids had a baby. So naturally, this meant the baby had to be very, very involved in the process of helping my cousin and her boyfriend join their lives together as one in the eyes of the church.
Because obviously, duh. Wherever babies go, their parents just assume people want the little monsters involved and heavily.
So really my problem isn’t with the baby itself, more so the parents. What a not-so-shocking twist.

Anyway, so at the wedding, the baby was listed as the ring bearer, even though it didn’t seem like the world’s greatest walker or carrier. This was evidenced by the fact that the mother carried the kid down the aisle as she processed in during the opening.
She also held it for several minutes early in the ceremony, before her arms gave out and someone had to take it from her.
There was also some weirdness where the mom had a sign that said, “Uncle so and so here comes your bride!” which I assume was supposed to be a message from the baby to the groom. Problem was, no one noticed the sign until after she’d put the baby down and even then, she mostly held the sign backwards before putting it down as well.
Look, I’m not speaking for the bride or the groom in this case, but I am speaking for a large portion of humanity, the portion that can take or leave babies, when I say: Parents, stop it.
                Babies do not need to be involved in everything. Just like when I go to a wedding, I don’t feel the need to stand up and interject myself in the proceedings by holding a sign or starting the wave or something.
                How about babies just go places without their parents trying to make them the stars? You know, blend in with society? They’re going to have to do it eventually, might as well start early.
                During the bride’s walk down the aisle, aren’t all eyes supposed to be on her and not reading your kid’s sign? Isn’t it a tiny bit rude to take anyone’s eyes off her on her big day even for a second to read your dumb sign?
                And you know what? Since I treat all people – man, woman, black, white, child, adult – as equal, I’m going to call a spade a spade and say that kid sucked as ring bearer. I’m not positive he even beared a single ring. If you can’t do your job, I assure you we’ll find someone else who can without much trouble. Especially in this economy.
                Of course, at the reception, the kid once again had to take a starring role as the mom and her husband – both in the bridal party – were introduced. They had to come dancing out, slowly, dragging the kid along with them.
                Again, kind of distracting.  Almost like a passive aggressive way to hijack the proceedings. Everyone! Everyone! Please look at our baby!
                Parents, I implore you. If there was ever a time to leave the kid at home, with a family member who isn’t at the wedding, a paid public servant, anyone, a wedding is the time.
The bride and, to a lesser extent, the groom are the stars and babies tend to draw a lot of attention to themselves, just by default. They cry, they poop, people flock to them to see them. And all of that is without you going out of your way to draw more attention to them by making them dance, holding them on the alter and hanging signs around their necks.
It’s polite to leave the kid at home. That way, there’s no competition for people’s eyes.
Otherwise, to me, it seems like a lame attempt at grabbing attention for yourself through your kid. Congratulations, you’ve become a stage mom or dad. Reality TV awaits.

No comments:

Post a Comment