Tuesday, December 29, 2015

The Cheese Life Presents The 2015 Drakie Awards

Here we sit. Christmas is in the rearview. A new year looms ahead and with it comes roughly three or four months of unrelenting bleakness capable of crushing the spirits of even the most stalwart of individuals. Before we get to that joy, however, there is something which must be done first. We must look back at the year that was 2015.
                Ladies and gentlemen, the 2015 Drakie Awards.
                If you’re unfamiliar the Drakies (here are the 2014 Drakies and the 2013 Drakies), they are the awards founded by my friend and business partner Drake Stone. Depending on who you talk to, Stone is either hiding in a concrete bunker in the Rocky Mountains avoiding the former members of the Doomsday cult he founded and misled, or serving as president of a small island mostly populated by seagulls. Wherever he is and whatever he may be doing, he’s entrusted these awards – which he’s often referred to as the least relevant portion of his legacy – to me.  
Despite Stone’s feelings on the awards, I take them very seriously. Before I lock in my selections, I lock myself in a dark, windowless room and spend a week ruminating on the year. What I liked, what I didn’t. Depriving myself of food, water and bathroom privileges. It’s a whole thing. The point is, these winners were not selected lightly. So, without further stalling or ado-ing, I take you to the 2015 Drakies.

Pop Culture Division

Best Movie: Star Wars: The Force Awakens. J.J. Abrams and company managed to capture the tone and feel of the originals and give us a reason to be excited about Star Wars again. Finally, finally the stink of George Lucas’ prequel trilogy has been washed away.
Runners up: It Follows, Ex Machina

Best Song: Elle King - “Exes & Ohs.” Here is the true mark of a quality song for me: No matter how many time I hear it, I never, ever manage to put all of the lines in the exact right order when I’m walking around, singing it to myself. It was true of Fastball’s “The Way,” it was true of KoRn’s “Falling Away From Me” and it is true of this song. Congrats, Ms. King.
Runner up: Taylor Swift- “Style”

Best Bandwagon: Ronda Rousey. Thanks to the heroes, that’s right, heroes, out there who dutifully posted each and every one of Ronda’s fights to Facebook immediately after they happened I became a sudden Ronda Rousey fan. I watched every one, enjoyed her in Furious 7 and got super, super hyped when she showed up at Wrestlemania.
Runners up: Bernie Sanders, Better Call Saul

Best Podcast: Welcome to Night Vale. The writing on Night Vale so far eclipses the rest of the scripted podcasts I’ve experienced that it’s like Ronda Rousey from three months ago. Night Vale’s writing team could easily go toe-to-toe with the best that TV and movies have to offer.
Runners up: Harmontown, The Adam Carolla Show

Best TV Show: Better Call Saul. As per my tradition with things Vince Gilligan puts his name on, I was late to the Better Call Saul party. But once I arrived, I promptly took off my shoes, placed a lampshade over my head and dove in. Better Call Saul is appointment TV.
Runner up: Game of Thrones

Best Celebrity (Animal): Grumpy Cat. It’s the little things that make Grumpy Cat a star. While some focus on the witty captions and sayings attributed to her via memes, I focus on how cute she looks when someone picks her up. Because she’s tiny. And adorable. In short, I had to split up the Best Celebrity category to give others a chance for some glory.
Runner up: Molly (aka The Thing of Evil)

Best Celebrity (Human/Non-Animal): Seth Rollins. Same reasons as above mostly. Also, Seth is a delightful, athletic performer who carried WWE programming on his back for very nearly a year. He took months of poor writing and uninspiring matchups and did his best to spin them into, if not gold, something that was at least watchable.
Runners up: Stephen King, The Rock

Comeback of the Year Award: M. Night Shyamalan. For a few years there, M. Night was my favorite director. He was my Quentin Tarantino before Quentin Tarantino became my Quentin Tarantino. I adored The Sixth Sense, loved Unbreakable and went right back to adoring with Signs. Then everything went wrong. Movies started coming out that were bad. Then embarrassingly bad. Soon I stopped caring. But then The Visit happened. This was one of my favorite horror films of the year and one of my favorite films period. I can’t recommend this movie strongly enough. It’s funny on purpose. It’s tense. It has one hell of a third act. Welcome back, my friend.  
Runner up: Adam Carolla podcasts

Life Division

Best Food: Veggie Burger. I’m not now, nor have I ever been a vegetarian. I don’t, however, eat red meat. Rather than live in a burger-less world, I tried veggie burgers and my god. I mean my god. If you’re one of those “Ew veggie burger! Wah??” types, I urge you. Try one. It will change your opinion on cows’ place as a dietary staple forever.

Best Leisure Activity: Walking. I took my walking game to a new level in 2015. I walk at lunch. When the weather was nice, I walked every day after work that I possibly could. Solo, with a companion, it didn’t matter. There is nothing finer than a good walk.

Best Beverage: Rekorderlig Premium Strawberry-Lime Cider. A delightful Swedish cider I had to travel all the way to the least Swedish place I can think of in order to enjoy. That place is a restaurant in Disney’s Hollywood Studios in Orlando, Florida named after an actual restaurant in California. So worth it.

Best Condiment: Cocktail sauce. It wasn’t a big year for me and cocktail sauce. However, when I find myself thinking about my 2015 regrets, not eating enough cocktail sauce comes up again and again. Consider its inclusion here as a promise to do better come 2016.

Best Animal: Cat. We may soon need a non-cat division just to get some other species involved in this. Llamas are over there, just staring daggers at me right now. I can’t even.

Best Article of Clothing: Socks. It was a glorious years for my feet’s closest confidants. There’s no better way to express your wacky personal style without being too presumptuous about it than with a good pair of socks.

Award for Outstanding Achievements in 2015: And now, the big one. The winner of the Drakie for Outstanding Achievements in 2015 is … Me! I got married, I watched my sister get married, both of which were big deals. Earlier in the year, I helped to change a tire with one hand. ONE! The other was sealed up tight in a cast due to surgery to repair the damage softball inflicted on my wrist. I went to Disney World. Also, I ran a half marathon, said goodbye to my musical career and took pictures of cats sleeping in parked cars. It was a busy year. It was a great year and I must thank everyone who helped make it such. Especially me. That’s why I got the trophy. Thank you, me.  

1 comment:

  1. "There is nothing finer than a good walk."

    No truer words have been spoken.