There’s been a bit of hubaloo going on this week about the “mini ice age” we’re all supposedly in store for between the years 2030 and 2040 or there abouts. In case you missed it, allow me, a man with no science background whatsoever, to explain.
In the year 2030, the sun is going to go on a “stay-cation,” meaning it’s going to take a little time for itself, without going anywhere. It’ll do a few chores around the house, maybe catch up on its Netflix and onDemand and stuff. Lot of John Oliver to watch. Anyway, during this lull in solar activity, some scientists think Earth will cool off drastically, leading to a mini-ice age. Temperatures will be colder, polar bears will be bear-ier and snowball fights will leave the realm of children’s games and be elevated to settle disputes on a global scale. Sort of like what happened with the card game “WAR.”
The scientist leading the charge on this points to a similar situation which occurred way back in the 1700s. However, other scientists are like “Na-uh, that didn’t happen that way.” In fact, those negative scientists are saying the mini ice age won’t be a thing at all. They claim we need to be way more worried about global warming than we do about the sun taking a decade to find itself.
As is the case when scientists disagree over science, the rest of us are left scratching our heads and waiting for Al Gore or Leo DiCaprio to show up and tell us what to think. I’d also accept the aforementioned John Oliver or the “South Park” guys should those first two options be unavailable.
Even though the mini ice age may turn out to be more of a bust than “Ice Age 2” – face it, that movie was not great – I still took the news seriously and by seriously I mean I went through the usual routine I follow whenever news of a pending global disaster breaks.
- Step 1: Do the age math. “What? All of the world’s oil is going to run out in 2089? Geez … well, I’ll be … carry the seven … oh thank god. I’ll be long dead. Have fun with that grandkids!” I mean sure, let’s all do our part to prevent said problem, but it’s nice knowing when push comes to shove and the future of human society is on the line, the only pushing I’ll be doing involves daisies. Unfortunately, should this mini ice age thing occur, I’ll probably still be kicking around on Earth so bummer. Poor timing, science.
- Step 2: Consider the obstacles. For instance, say there’s a zombie apocalypse. The obstacles would involve scavenging for food, killing off friends and loved ones who got bit, fighting off roving gangs of people who’ve gone cannibal due to a lack of food … in short, nothing I would be very good at. In fact, I’d say my usefulness in a zombie apocalypse is limited strictly to season one and two version of Glenn on “The Walking Dead.” I go on runs and get dangled into wells to bait zombies. In the polar landscape of ice age world, I’d guess food would again be scarce which wouldn’t be good. I’m a man who gets horribly cranky when he misses his morning snack. However, I’m also one of those people who, when co-workers say they’re cold, looks at them like they’re insane. So I think that's a push really. Go me.
- Step 3: Accept it ... or forget it. Whichever is easier. Usually after a few days (or sometimes hours) I’ll forget what I read or heard about the impending disaster and everything will go back to normal. Case in point, when I was a kid I heard about a massive asteroid which scientists were predicting would hit the Earth. I was a kid and therefore unaware that scientists predict this every two years or so. I was mortified. I followed all of the above steps and was a little bummed that I was destined to die in my thirties. Then something happened. Maybe a teacher yelled at me for not paying attention or I had a good game in lunchtime football. I don’t know. Either way, something way more important came along and I forgot about the asteroid. After today, I probably won't remember ice age world is going to happen until I'm being pecked to death by a militant army of ill-tempered penguins.
So there you go. Those are my steps for dealing with impending doom. They’ll help, trust me. Anyway, this post started out as a way to blame the mini ice age on my return to softball and then segue into some stats from Monday’s game. Instead, the above paragraphs happened.
In any event, Monday’s game: 0-2 at the plate with a line out and a ground out. In the field I had two uninspiring innings in centerfield, two innings where I manned the bench and one where I caught. There you go. Recaps of adult league softball as well as the coming doomsday. You’re welcome.