Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Turkey Day Gloom: A Few Things I’m Not Grateful For This Thanksgiving
Maybe it’s because the second pre-Thanksgiving snow of the year is falling fast and hard and terrible outside my window and even though my commute is short, on days like today no commute is ever short enough. Or maybe it’s because the dour queen herself Grumpy Cat guest-hosted Monday Night Raw last week. I can’t say for sure why, but despite the impending holiday festivities, I’m feeling a little grumpy right now.
                Now, traditionally bloggers don’t have a ton of options at their disposal to celebrate Thanksgiving. We can make lists of things we’re thankful for, talk about our favorite traditions or foods. That’s all well and good. I’ve got a lot of things to be thankful for. I’m alive. Whether by birth or by choice, I’ve been able to surround myself with a fantastic group of people and animals. But like I said, gloomy. So instead, I’ve decided to exercise another option this holiday season. One which only the edgiest and coolest bloggers dare to explore. Even though I’m neither edgy nor cool, I don’t think those who are will mind because no one reads my nonsense anyway.
                So, here’s my list of A Few Things I’m Not Grateful For This Thanksgiving!

  • Naps. I don’t like naps. Whenever I take a nap, I don’t wake up feeling refreshed, ready to take on the day with a renewed vigor. No, I just feel even grumpier than I do now. Naps are a tease. When I go to sleep, I want to dedicate 6-7 hours to it. To really get in there and enjoy it. All I do after an hours’ worth of sleep is think of more productive ways I could have used that time and wish that it was nighttime so I could get my money’s worth.
  • Paper towels. I’m not good at paper towels. I’m not now and I never have been. So, after I’ve finished up my business in a public restroom, I’ll go and wash my hands like a well-adjusted member of human society. Hands wet, I’ll reach for a paper towel, which is usually dangling from some dispenser, give it a tug and … rip. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been left clutching a small, wet square of paper towel in between the thumb and forefinger of each hand while the rest of the towel, the real meat of it, still hangs, mocking me from the dispenser. I don’t like this. I also don’t like the paper towels you sometimes get in lower-rent public bathrooms that are scientifically designed to repel water. After five paper towels, my hands should not still be wet.
  • Snow. My pet theory on snow, and I’m can’t remember if I’ve shared this on this particular blog before, is that the more responsibility a person has for him or herself, the less he or she enjoys snow. When you’re a kid, you’re in charge of nothing. Your continued existence is everyone’s problem but yours. So snow is great. It gets you out of school, you can play in it, etc., etc. When you’re an adult, getting out of work is great, but then you get to stay home and shovel. Or, you don’t get out of work in time and then you get to risk life and limb on the highways trying to get yourself home in one piece.
  • Fruit cups. I love fruit cups, but I can’t open them. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been able to successfully open one of those small plastic fruit cups without spilling at least some of that sweet, sweet juice inside all over myself. Forget pulling yourself up a grease-slickened rope or whatever passes for obstacles on American Ninja Warrior these days. There is no greater test of will, strength and inner peace than trying to open a fruit cup without coating yourself in fruit juice. I’m not sure that makes for the most compelling television, but then again, I never thought half of the stuff currently filling out the lineups on basic cable would ever be on TV so what do I know?
  • Black Friday. I don’t need a barn-sized TV, I’m not the head of a major global retail corporation. There’s nothing for me here. I can’t help but appreciate the fact that America follows up the holiday which is, in theory anyway, all about being thankful for what you have, spending time with family and friends, and giving back to others with one that is strictly about commercialism. America, like ogres and onions, has got layers.
  • People who get too creative with Thanksgiving dinner. Let’s stick with the classics, people. By classics, I of course mean, all of the things the pilgrims ate: turkey, boxed stuffing, cranberry sauce that slithered out of a can, pumpkin pie. Save showing off your culinary prowess for your “MasterChef” audition tape.
  • Time warps that take us from Halloween to Christmas. I don't want to hear Christmas music on the radio before Thanksgiving. Where are all those classic Thanksgiving songs that may or may not exist? Also, why is it that there are no Thanksgiving decorations in stores? We go right from Jack-o-Lanterns to ol’ Saint Nick. I’m just a man who wants to decorate his front lawn with a giant, inflatable turkey wearing a football helmet holding a cooked turkey leg in each air-filled wing. And no, that’s not creepy, it’s called holiday spirit. 
There now. I feel better for having vented all of that. Happy Thanksgiving to all!

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