The “Robocop” remake and I have a long and winding history.
When
the news broke that a remake was in the works, my initial response was
something along the lines of the sound you make when you accidentally hit
yourself below the belt. You know what I’m talking about fellas. Sometimes you
get a little carried away when you’re talking with your hands and bad things
happen.
I grew
up with “Robocop.” That’s an absolutely
terrifying thought considering the bone-numbingly graphic things that take
place between the opening and closing credits of that movie, but it’s true.
I was
allowed to watch people get melted by toxic waste, get torn to shreds by
machine guns and have their arms shot off at close, bloody range, as long as I promised
I didn’t say any of the bad words.
Also, I
had all the toys.
Sure,
my beloved parents’ priorities may have been slightly askew, but I never turned
into a serial killer or even just a regular killer. So if you’re looking for a
case study to prove that media violence doesn’t lead to real world violence, get
at me dawg.
Anyway,
that shiny metal so and so (happy mom and dad?) still holds a special place in
my heart, so I wasn’t thrilled with the notion of a remake. Some
things are best left alone.
Casting
news began to filter out and my ears perked up the way a dog’s would if it
heard a dinosaur skeleton fall apart in a museum.
The
names were swoon-worthy. Michael Keaton. Sam Jackson. Jackie Earle Haley. Gary
Oldman. Jay Baruchel. Joel Kinnaman!
Well,
that last one wasn’t so exciting, but all the rest! Maybe
this remake could be something that deserved to exist after all.
Then
came the first picture of the new Robocop and everything changed.
For the
worse.
No
longer was I merely saddened by the idea of a new Robocop, now I was actively repulsed
by it. The new costume looked like a piece of rubbery scrap scavenged from the
set of “GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra.”
Hollywood
was no longer just dicking around with my childhood, now it was actively waging
war on it.
More
pictures from the set followed and managed to make the movie look
worse.
Eventually
though I just numbed to the whole thing. I started to think about remakes
and reimaginings and reboots differently. I realized that who really cared?
They didn’t replace the movie that came before them. I’d always have the
original so what did it matter if there was another version?
There’s
ten thousand versions of Sherlock Holmes stuff out there, but none of them can
replace the original: the one with Wishbone the dog. I assume that’s the
original since it’s clearly the best though I’ve done no research on the
matter.
Plus, I
was tired of all internet crying about remakes, most of which was directed
towards the “Evil Dead” remake, which also turned out to be bloody awesome.
At a
certain point – and let’s be honest here, I can’t be certain of the timeline of
all this, so what you’ll have to accept are hazy recollections and uneducated
guesses of when stuff happened – the film’s first trailer debuted.
And
everything changed. Again. But for the better!
The
trailer looked incredible. There was lots of goings on about drone warfare and
the ethics of putting a man in a robot. Fun, mildly-heady stuff. The trailer combined
with the cast led me to believe \this wasn’t just going to be a cash
grab, but something else.
This
feeling of legitimate excitement carried on for quite some time. I tried to
keep my expectations reined in, so I wouldn’t be disappointed when the
big day came. As part of that, I steered clear of reading news or updates about
the movie.
Then I caught
a TV spot for the movie and interestingly, everything stayed 100% the same.
Lies!
Everything changed because of course it did.
The TV
spot informed me that the new “Robocop” would be rated PG-13.
Taking the senseless violence out of “Robocop” was like putting
a pair of Justin Bieber boxer-briefs on Michelangelo’s David and then coating
the whole thing in spray cheese and vomit.
The
violence was a critical part of creating the original’s black humor as well as
providing the sharpened-spear tip for its social criticism. Without it? Spray
cheese.
So
where do things stand now? I’m sad, but I’m going to put on a brave face. I’m
going to go in expecting nothing and hoping to be surprised. If it sucks? The
old one will still be there to wrap me in its blood-soaked arms and hold me
close to its bullet-riddled chest.
Because
that’s love. Or something.
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