The Wife & I Survive A Brush with a Major Life Change

tumblr.com (Not the actual pooch)

My wife and I had a bit of a scare this weekend. Late Sunday afternoon, we found ourselves eye-to-eye with one of those life-altering changes that always seem to come up unexpectedly. It was one of those moments when all of the planning and precautions went out the window and we were left staring down a hard life turn that had arrived much sooner than we’d ever expected.

We nearly adopted a puppy.

I know. It’s one of those things you hear about happening to other couples and you think you’re being careful to avoid it. Then, next thing you know, you’re in a pet store staring at a little black pit bull mix and contemplating how to best alter the next eight to ten years or so of your life plans.

There are 100 reasons why the wife and I shouldn’t have a dog right now. We already have two cats, one of whom likes dogs and the other of whom does not like dogs. Our backyard isn’t fenced in and many of our neighbors are shiftless good-for-nothings which means at least 45% of the sidewalks in our neighborhood are buried under around a foot of snow. This would make walking our new bundle of joy a life-threatening chore. Oh, also, we have multiple trips planned for this year and beyond. Even though the airlines have embraced service dogs, I’m not sure pit bull-style dogs are welcomed with open arms. That means finding someone to provide the little guy with the near-round-the-clock attention puppies need. Speaking of around-the-clock attention, my wife and I both work and I’m not sure the cats, even the dog-friendly one, will be up to entertaining a puppy all day. This would mean me bolting home from work at lunch time to let the doggie out to do his business and get some exercise. In turn, this would seriously cut into my nonsense blogging time.

Despite the mountain of reasons why not to get a puppy, there was an equally compelling argument to be made for adopting the puppy, i.e., “But still. Puppy. I wants.” 

The high-risk, high-reward world of horrible parenting

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We should probably get this out of the way right off the top. Parents of the world: I have no interesting in kidnapping and/or murdering your children! None!

But if I did (and I don’t), I can assure you, you made it very easy for me.

I volunteer at a cat adoption center. Basically, I clean cages, let cats run around in this little room and just have fun with the kitties for a few hours every weekend.

The adoption center where I volunteer is located off to the side of a large, chain pet store, but I’m not affiliated with said pet store in any way. I wear no uniform or name tag while I’m there.

One side of the room is all large cat cages, the other side is almost all floor-length windows, so shoppers can look in, see the kitties and hopefully find one to adopt.   

How does me being nothing short of an animal-loving hero tie-in to me not kidnapping and/or murdering children?

In my two plus years volunteering there, I’ve noticed one thing: Parents all secretly hate their children and want nothing more than to get away from them, even if it’s just for a few minutes – even if it means sticking them with a complete stranger in a mildly isolated tiny room.

Ladies and gentlemen, that’s where I come in. Meet the complete stranger.

I can’t calculate the number of times parents have dumped their kids in the adoption center with me and then just plain disappeared for huge chunks of time. Hell, why pay for a babysitter when a weird, uniform-less, name tag-less, greasy-haired guy in a pet store can totally do the same thing for free?

I mean, that’s just good business. Miserable parenting, but awesome business.

I’ve had parents knock on the glass to be let in, send in their kids and then watched the adult vanish like a teen-aged runaway, leaving me to entertain the kids.

Incidentally, this phenomenon is significantly more common around Christmas time, which I guess makes sense because if your kids are dead in a ditch somewhere, you don’t have to buy them Christmas presents.

So again, business.