Actual Life Changes and Good & Bad: 'The Walking Dead' Returns!

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The long President’s Day weekend was one of those weekends for yours truly. You know the type. On Saturday, the pipes on one side of our house froze due to the extreme cold, thawed, and then re-froze again by Sunday. As of press time, they are not currently frozen, but who’s to say what the future will hold? Also on Saturday, my car slipped into a coma from which it shall never emerge. When I dropped it off at the mechanic’s, I did the move where I tore open my shirt and yelled “Take what you need! Just leave me enough to make it home!” Everyone was very confused by this and I was ushered out quickly. Also, I failed to win a spot in the Broad Street Run.

                Things weren’t all bad, however. The wife and I spent a pleasant Valentine’s evening at sea. Then, the writing team of “The Walking Dead” finally managed to liberate me of my Sunday obligation to watch “The Walking Dead” by airing an episode so terrible, that I’ve given up on the show. Never again shall I spend a Sunday evening sighing loudly and arguing with characters on the TV while my wife sighs quietly to herself in another room.

                Long time blog readers will remember I once cribbed the format of a popular wrestling blog and used that to write up a season and a half of “The Walking Dead.” That stopped when I actively began to hate the show and all who dwelled within it. My relationship with it has limped along since – until this most recent episode, entitled “No Way Out.” Please, allow me to dust off my borrowed format for reviewing episodic television shows one last time and explain what has lead me to finally stop watching “The Walking Dead.” Warning: Spoilers abound.

• Bad: The past few seasons were something, yeah? Well forget them! They’re all gone! “The Walking Dead” writing staff is basically a kid on Christmas morning, stomping all over old toys to get at the new stuff. There’s a new big bad on the horizon which means now is the time to throw out all of those pesky storylines that have been simmering for the last two half-seasons. In the span of barely two minutes, Blonde Lady and both of her kids were killed off. So much for all that time we spent building Carl’s tweeny rivalry, Rick’s love interest, and Carol’s bizarre, cookie-and-gun based rivalry with a child. All gone.
• Bad: Also, bye bye, Wolf Guy. He had a momentary face turn and was gunned down before anything could come of it. Got to get rid of him. New baddies coming.
• Bad: Rick & Crew hit their five moves of doom. Oh yeah, forget about that highly dangerous walker hoard we spent all of last half season talking about. Half of one of the largest hoard of walkers ever shown on “The Walking Dead” broke off and headed right for Rick and company’s door. Then, the Wolves let them in. This massive collection of walkers seemed destined to force Rick and everyone else to give up Alexandria and once again flee for their lives. HA-HA. JK. No, all it took to completely eradicate that threat was for Rick to get really, really mad. Carl gets shot and so Rick walks out into the swarm and just starts offing walkers. This inspires maybe 8-9 others – many of whom rank among the show’s “most likely to be eaten” contingent – to also wander out and start hacking at walkers. This motley crew, armed with renowned WMDs such as screwdrivers, the butt ends of rifles and hatchets, lay waste to the swarm. Our heroes suffer ZERO casualties. Basically, “The Walking Dead” writing staff just John Cena’d the show’s walkers. They completely torpedoed them as a threat by making them so easy to dispose of that Rick can show up with the D-Team and kill thousands upon thousands of them without breaking a sweat. The next character killed by a walker is going to look like the biggest, dumbest asshole ever. I just watched Eugene hold his own against an army of these things. I just watched Nameless Alexandria Victims 1-5 hold their own against them. I hope Negan is a good enough bad guy to last the rest of your series because the walkers just got AA’d into oblivion.
• Bad: On that note: Rick and company, holed up somewhere, repelling assaults from a much-hyped, mustache-twirling super villain. What a novel concept, “The Walking Dead.” Wow.  
• Bad: OMG. He’s dead. PSYCH! I suppose “The Walking Dead” writing team is unfamiliar with the concept of the boy who cried wolf, wherein, if you trick people enough times, eventually they won’t listen or care when you come to them with the truth. We’ve now done two “Glenn is 100% dead, there’s no way he’s surviv… oh he survived it” gags in two half-seasons. Amazingly, this most recent example was even more brainless than the last. This episode also featured the second instance of “Carl is dead, no he’s not.” Hell, it opened with Sasha and Abe being on death’s door until, miraculously, they weren’t. Writers, you do realize that when you finally get around to killing any of these people, no one will care, right? You’re burning people out with this crap. Just kill them or stop pretending to kill them.
• Bad: Carol. Deranged Psycho. Murderer of reformed Wolves. Haunter of Children’s Psyches. At what point do the other characters need to have a talk about her? I mean, the plan has to be to attempt to rebuild a society eventually, correct? Carol, what with her constant need to proactively eliminate all threats (perceived/imagined) is no longer meant for society. She’s worse than Daryl was that one time he went full-feral. Sure, this iteration of Carol may seem helpful now, but what happens when she’s pulling knives on jaywalkers or giving mandatory detailed guest lectures at elementary schools on the horrifying realities of mortality?     

                Goodbye, “Walking Dead.” It’s been … frustrating. 

A Special 'Cheese Life' Announcement and More Gym Embarrassments

With the beard so went my interest in writing about your show apparently

Sad news: The poorly titled “Good and Bad” column is no more. I know, I know. Sad faces all around. Last night, I was halfway into trying to decipher just what the hell was going on with Rick’s character when I realized a pair of things. Thing #1: I don’t really enjoy writing about “The Walking Dead” anymore. Thing #2: I’ve become so jaded by writing about “The Walking Dead” that I’d almost completed a bulleted list describing why a character who beats his wife is more likeable than the show’s hero.

                When a man gets to that point, it’s time to step back from the keyboard, put away the sarcasm and rethink all of the steps that got him there.

                So instead, here’s an embarrassing story that happened to me the other day at that place that I go to in the morning in between bed and work. In addition to curbing my TV reviews, I’m also trying to stop namedropping the gym as much, but it was the gym. This story happened at the gym.

                If you’ll recall a few weeks back, I told you about a pair of old guys whose names I know, but who don’t know mine. I talk to them a bunch, but somehow we skipped over that whole awkward introduction phase and went right into daily acquaintance. Those were simpler times. Back before a zombie TV show broke my soul.

                Anyway, so the next chapter in that sad and meh tale goes as such: It was a Friday morning, just like any other Friday morning. I’d completed my workout for the day and was completely tuned out to the world, as is often the case when I’m at that place that I don’t want to mention by name. I was walking to the locker room, when I was accosted by the one older gentleman.

                Editor’s note: The names in this story have been changed to protect the innocent.

                “Hey!” he said. I stopped. I had headphones on, so what he said next was slightly muffled, but it sounded like: “It’s Tyrion, by the way.”

                I. Was. Floored.

Good & Bad: 'The Walking Dead' (3/16/15)

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Season 5, Episode 14, “Spend”

Plot: I could start this off with a giant paragraph or two outlining every single little thing about the plot of last night’s “The Walking Dead,” or I could sum it up in one, slightly modified, Taylor Swift lyric: “Haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, ‘Walking Dead’ gonna walking dead, dead, dead.”

Good & Bad: 'The Walking Dead' (3/8/15)

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Season 5, Episode 13 “Forget”

Plot: The gang learned a valuable lesson about society last night: If you want to be part of one, you have to put up with cocktails parties and no matter what “Mad Men” told you, cocktails parties will never ever be fun. Are there cocktail parties on “Made Men?” I have no idea. I never watched it. Seems like a show that would have lots of cocktail parties. So, “Walking Dead.” The Alexandria people throw a cocktail party, most of Rick’s crew shows up and looks uncomfortable, Daryl and Aaron bond over horse murder, spaghetti and motorcycles, Carol swipes some guns from the armory, but gets caught by a child, whom she then threatens, Sasha is all over the fucking road and RICK KISSES A GIRL! 

Good & Bad: 'The Walking Dead' (3/1/15)

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Season 5, Episode 12 "Remember"

 

Plot: On last night’s “Walking Dead” we got our first look inside Aaron’s Party, the town which I guess prefers to go by the much more boring name of “Alexandria,” and it was a bit touch and go. See, Rick’s crew has some trust issues when it comes to new people and so even though things seem kind of amazing in “Alexandria” – they have hot food, running water, videogames, mansions plum for the pickin’ and herds of free-roaming barbers, everyone on Rick’s side does their best to remain unimpressed. Alexandria’s leader gives the gang jobs, but the assimilation process doesn’t go smoothly since Rick’s gang is still super suspicious of the Alexandrites, who they see as weak. At the end of the episode, there’s a brief scuffle between the head of Alexandria’s son and Glenn over the best way to treat walkers, there’s a lot of tension, Rick gets named sheriff and then he immediately launches into a plan to overthrow the Alexandrites and steal their town and their walls and their solar-powered dealys. Because survival. Hunt or be hunted. The Alexandrites are weak and thus deserve to lose their town. And so what if Rick’s gang maybe cooks and eats one or two of the Alexandrites? Is that so wrong? If they’re too weak to take care of themselves, at least the strong should benefit from them, right? Claim that town!

Good & Bad: 'The Walking Dead' (2/22/15)

Season 5, Episode 11 “The Distance” 

Plot: The gang has emerged from last week’s sojourn through the Old Testament and come out religious-symbolism-free on the other side. Well, at least for the week. Maggie and Sasha bring the mysterious Aaron back to the barn and introduce him to the group. He says “Hey, we’ve got this cool place that’s safe and awesome and I want you to join.” The group responds by hassling him, taking his things, and then knocking him out. Let’s see, from there, basically, the group spends most of the rest of the episode trying to decide whether to trust Aaron or just steal all his stuff and leave him for dead. Eventually they tentatively go with Plan A. On their way to Aaron’s pad, Glenn crashes their ride through all of the walkers in Virginia, the group gets split in half and wood-based walker hijinks ensue. Killing off three characters in three weeks would be overkill and so everyone makes it back to the same place and they meet Aaron’s boyfriend Eric (Glad we got that biblical stuff out of the way when we did). The episode ends as the gang arrives at Aaron and Eric’s compound. Tune in next week when we find out whether this was all a giant mistake or if it’s the best thing ever until some one-eyed jerk comes around and ruins everything.

Thoughts:

• Bad: It doesn’t pay to be nice (in theory). I get being weary of Greeks bearing gifts, or in this case, dorky white guys, but c’mon. Do we need to punch out the guy, hog tie him and steal all of his supplies? Sure, he could be a murderous cannibal tax cheat. He could also just be a nice guy. Rick and crew’s actions seem to go beyond maintaining a healthy suspicion of strangers and plow headfirst into “Yup, we’re dicks now.” Fun game idea: Show this episode to someone who’s never watch a second of “The Walking Dead” and then try to convince him or her that Rick's crew are the good guys. Do a shot every time you say “No, seriously. They really are.”
• Bad: The only thing that carried me through those long, slow moments of tediously weighing pros and cons was the idea that Rick would say “We’re not going” and the episode would end with Aaron walking sadly back into his settlement to reveal a entire town full of curly mullets, children in sheriff hats, oddly clean and healthy-looking babies --- in short: Grimes Family heaven. Then we’d smash cut back to Rick who’s using a whip and chair to fend off just a sea of walkers while he yells “I regret nothing!” at the top of his lungs.    
• Good: I will accept your attempts to break the ice with awful humor, Aaron, but only because everyone else on this show is so super serious all the time.
• Bad: Rick really is a chore in this episode. We get it, decisions are hard. If you don’t want to make them, drift into the background and let someone else take over for a while. Or multiple someone else’s. Where does it say you must always be the literal or symbolic head of that group?
• Good: Aaron’s story about his mom making him eat applesauce to toughen him up is simultaneously the greatest, dumbest and saddest thing I’ve ever heard. It’s sad because it’s no doubt rooted in truth, but it’s great and dumb because it’s applesauce. Looking forward to next week when we hear all about his time spent at lumberjack camp and how his mom used to push him into bear pits every time they took a trip to a zoo. That’d toughen a kid up.   
• Bad: Nonsense conflict. So Rick wants Aaron to tell him where the settlement is located. Aaron doesn’t want to do that because he’s scared it might lead to something bad happening to his friends. I don’t understand what he’s talking about. How is telling them where your camp is located any more dangerous than actually leading them there? Couldn’t they just as easily let you lead the way and then just open fire the second the gates are open? Actually, couldn’t they do that more easily since if you go with them, you’ll be there to get the gates open in the first place? What are we fighting about?!?!?
• Good: What’s up with Aaron and that listening device? Spying on them and whatnot? Wonder if he heard Abe workshopping one-liners while taking his morning constitution in the woods.
• Bad: So much for Glenn getting promoted from waterboy/shoulder to cry on to group driver. How does he not see that giant swarm of walkers? Why is it that every time a character takes his or her eyes off the road for even a second in this show, something is able to teleport directly in front of them?    
• Good: Walkers in the woods. This whole sequence was awesome. Being lost in the woods? Scary. Being lost in the woods at night. Scarier? Being lost in the woods at night while something is chasing you? Super scary.
• Good: That awesome effect where Glenn is shooting walkers and you can see a walker getting gradually closer and closer in the muzzle flashes.
• Good/Bad: So Aaron is gay. That’s cool, however, the show may have gone overboard with the “Look how cute he and his boyfriend are” stuff. I mean, they are cute, but hell, this is zombie apocalypse world. People ain't got time to be that doe-eyed and lovable.
• Good: Finally some character development for the baby. Remember, she cries when Aaron shows up, so I’m going to reverse engineer that to mean the baby is a homophobe. Friggin’ babies, man. They can’t just live and let live.
• Bad: Papa Rick doesn’t want Aaron and Eric sleeping together, presumably because he doesn’t see any wedding rings and this is the south. Just because it’s a zombie apocalypse doesn’t mean the neighbors won’t talk. Or maybe he’s afraid of scheming. I don’t know. Rick was a wishy-washy pain so I just started inventing motivations for him that I found more interesting than “They could be good, but they could be bad (*furrow brow*).”
• Good: Pulling the rug out from under Abe. He’s so sure they’re going to make it and then BAM! Dead RV.
• Good: Glenn, knower of RV maintenance. Remember all that time they spent living in an RV like three seasons ago? Paid off. Suck it people who thought they were at Herschel’s farm for too long!
• Good: Cliffhanger! Are Aaron’s people cool? Are they baddies? Now that Rick is there and his whole lion tamer thing is out of the picture, I kind of hope the gates open to reveal absolutely nothing. The place is 100% deserted. Aaron looks down at a map and is all “My bad guys, wrong one. We’re actually in the next walled settlement over. Sorry.” And then we do the whole dance again next week.  

Good & Bad: 'The Walking Dead' (2/15/15)

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Season 5, Episode 10, “Them”  

Plot: Last night’s episode was all about getting a drink. Not a “damn drank” like our dearly departed Beth was so into that one time, but rather the most standard of drinks: water. See, the gang has been on the road for a while now, they’re nowhere near home or their destination (Washington, DC) and they’re running short on essential supplies. So that’s a problem. Also a problem is that within the group itself, there are three distinct factions: the people currently locked in an existential crisis, those trying to cheer up those who are locked in an existential crisis, and those who are just staying out of it. That first group (Maggie, Fr. Gabe, Sasha, Daryl, Noah) keeps getting its emotions all over everyone else, forcing the second group (Rick, Glen, Carl, Michonne) to give them the old “C’mon, buddy. Buck up.” The third group (everyone else) seems content to hang back and sigh loudly until things are resolved. This plays out over the entire episode. Then it rains, everyone has some water, it keeps raining, the gang hides in a barn, teams up to keep out some walkers and by the next morning we seem to be inching down the righteous path of healing. Then some new guy shows up and announces he wants to talk to Rick. Bam! Cliffhanger.

Good & Bad: 'The Walking Dead' (2/8/15)

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Season 5, Episode 9

"What Happened and What's Going On"

Plot: TV’s biggest show whose title doesn’t feature an abbreviation or a city name in it returned last night with an absolute orgy of blood, violence, explosions, more blood, additional explosions and then, just when you thought there wouldn’t be any more, there were EVEN MORE explosions! Plots were twisted, untwisted and then re-twisted again, true allegiances were revealed, new characters were flipping everywhere, and it was complete madness. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, “The Walking Dead” stormed back into our lives with the “take-no-prisoners” attitude we’ve come to know and love from the … oh wait no. The only part of that which actually happened was “The Walking Dead” came back last night.

                Let’s see, in reality, last night’s kind of dull and needlessly fancy episode moved the gang from Georgia to a different part of the south (Virginia) to check out Noah’s old neighborhood. Naturally because it was Noah who vouched for it, when they get there, the place was all overrun with walkers. Noah gets emotional, goes to have a walk around, Ty follows and, because Noah was involved, Ty is immediately bitten by a walker. Ty then spends the rest of the episode in one room having hallucinations of a random smattering of recently deceased characters from seasons passed. Noah alerts Rick, Michonne, and Glenn – who’d spent their part of the episode arguing about where the suddenly globe-trotting gang would go next (they picked Washington, DC)– and they all try to rescue Ty but it doesn’t work and big guy dies and everyone is bummed.

Thoughts

• Bad: Someone in the crew decided that last night’s episode needed to be fancier than your average “Walking Dead” episode. So because of that decision, our opening sequence is essentially a bunch of random images: a shovel digging in loose soil, Fr. Gabe performing some type of funeral, shots of the prison, blood dripping on a picture, shots of rail road tracks, etc. Then, throughout the rest of the episode, those same random shots were repeated over and over again. The intended effect: A very minute, small section of Ty’s life is flashing before his eyes. The actual effect: We’re trying very hard to make this episode where the only thing that happens is we kill off a beloved character different than the last episode where the only thing that happened was that we killed off a beloved character.  
• Good: Ty goes out like a boss. Dude gets bit, then he gets bit again. Then he hangs on and faces his inner demons/regrets – or at least the ones that are played by actors who had a free spot on their calendar, i.e., not Herschel. Ty’s a good guy and if he had to go he deserved a nice ending, which this tried to be even though it wasn't the best executed nice ending.
• Bad: Rick, Glenn, Michonne. She wants to stay in Noah’s neighborhood, Rick says no, then they’re going to DC, but no one’s sure, then they decide to go to DC. Their segments such as they were, were booked like an opening to “Monday Night Raw.” Lots of talking circles around things which could have been resolved very quickly. “Hey so this place is a dump, has no real defenses, is overrun with walkers, and Noah likes it here. Now, he’s already killed Beth and dragged us all hundreds of miles from our home for nothing. Hell for all we know, he’s killing Ty right now. So, long story short, let’s go to the biggest nearby town and see how things are there?” Done.   
• Good: Ty’s demons. Little blonde girls? Yeah, that makes sense. Carol killed them right under his nose. Beth? Meh. His sister sorta got her killed, but I think we can all agree that one was mostly Noah’s fault. Bob? Yeah sure. Mean-Termite guy? Sure, big confrontation a few episodes back. The Governor? Why’s Ty still feeling guilty about crashing at this guy’s pad for like two weeks two years ago? It wasn’t a big deal. Once you found out he was nuts, you left. 
• Bad: Jesus Christ, does Ty have to spend this much time talking to his inner demons? How can a giant lovable teddy bear who wears a winter hat year-round have so many demons? FEWER DEMONS!
• Bad: We get it you guys. There's blood on that picture. And it's the same one from earlier!
• Good: The little blonde girls are all like: “It’s better now!” and the Gov is all “No it’s not!” Classic Gov. It’s not a good or a bad, but rather a missed opportunity. At some point the Gov should have said something to Ty to the effect of: “Look, you need to listen to me because I traveled a long way to talk to you. I’m supposed to be putting together an army of ghosts to lead another doomed-to-fail assault on the prison since that’s the only thing I’m allowed to do on this show.”  
• Bad: On his way to get Rick and company to help Ty, Noah somehow gets trapped under a door and attacked by walkers.
• Good: Ty gets the Herschel treatment. Ty got bit on his arm, so they lop the sucker off and begin a mad dash to rendezvous with the rest of the gang to keep him from bleeding out. Nice call back since Herschel couldn’t make it to Ty’s subconscious.
• Bad: Rick asks Noah if he can hold Ty while they fight walkers. Noah says “Absolutely.” Within seconds, he’s dropped Ty and is about to be torn to shreds until someone else has to swoop in and save him.
• Bad: So, is this “Noah is completely, ridiculously not worth keeping alive for even a second more” building to anything? In just a few short episodes, he’s descended beyond Season Two Carl-levels of “detriment to the gang.” He’s basically become the show’s Gilligan. I’m really excited for the season finale when they get to DC, they meet the President (played by Chris Hardwick) who tells them there’s a cure. Pres. Hardwick shows them a vile full of a mysterious liquid, sitting carefully on top of a pedestal. Noah walks in from the bathroom, trips, smashes the vile and then uses the instructions on how to make more to try to mop it up, ruining them in the process.
• Bad: Worst getaway ever. The car gets stuck in the dirt, Rick hits a truck full of torsos. Noah is asked to do things. If this getaway had been even remotely competent, Ty would be walking around with one arm, a ponytail and dispensing southern-friend wisdom right now.
• Good-ish: The shot of Beth and all the good ghosts driving Ty into the afterlife was pleasant.

Good & Bad: 'The Walking Dead' (11/30/14)

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Season 5, Episode 8: “Coda”

Plot: After last night’s mid-season finale, it’s safe to say that “The Walking Dead” just got 68% less adorable. If it wasn’t for Maggie, Daryl and the prospect of that dog Daryl met last season showing back up, well, I shudder to think what the adorable meter would have looked like this morning.

                Last night, Fr. Gabe went in a literal and figurative circle: he “escaped” the church which no one was holding him prisoner in, ran to the school, saw Bob’s half-eaten leg, got chased by a herd of walkers back to the church, begged Carl and Michonne to let him in, they let him in and the three of them escaped (or in Gabe’s case re-escaped) from the church using Gabe’s tunnel and then trapped the walkers inside. Abe and company show up and the plan is to go to Atlanta to help Rick rescue Beth and Carol.

                Meanwhile, in Atlanta, Officer Lamson knocked out Sasha at the end of last week’s episode and now he’s on the run! Will he get back to the hospital to warn … oh wait. That ended fast. Nope, all Lamson was able to accomplish with his dastardly escape was hurting Sasha’s feelings and getting slowly chased and then run over by his own squad car – which Rick was driving. When Rick tells you to stop, smart money says to listen.

                In the hospital, Beth and Dawn are locked in this crazy dance where they don’t seem to like each other, but keep doing each other high-stakes favors because they sort of have to, or something. Dawn covered up Beth’s killing of Mean Cop because she needed a new helper and then Beth kills New Mean Cop because he overheard their conversation and attempted to kill or overthrow Dawn, which Beth determined would be a step backwards in the leadership department.

                Rick and half the team (Abe’s gang is still in transit) arrive at the hospital with their two cop prisoners to trade for Beth and Carol. Everything goes surprisingly well, too well, and then BAM! Dawn demands that Noah (formerly “Everybody Hates Chris”) be returned to her as her ward. Rick says “Na-uh, wasn’t part of the deal,” Dawn retorts with “Nuts to the deal, I need someone to help me murder people around here” (not in those exact words, but that was the gist). Unlikely political football Noah elects to sacrifice himself, but before he can, Beth steps in, announces that she “Gets it now” and stabs Dawn in the chest with some scissors. Dawn responds by shooting Beth in the head. Daryl responds to that by shooting Dawn in the head. New Lady Cop says enough is enough, Rick says any of the wards are free to join him, only Noah does, everybody’s crying, they go outside where they meet up with Abe’s gang who’ve just arrived. For the first time all season, Maggie is bummed out not to have a sister. 

Good & Bad: 'The Walking Dead' (11/23/14)

Season 5, Episode 7: "Crossed"

Paste Magazine

Plot: For the first time all season, the gang was all there last night. Except for Bob, who’s no longer with us. Come to think of it, I don’t remember seeing the baby, but I assume she was there somewhere. For all intents and purposes, the gang was all there.

                In no particular order, Daryl returned with “Everybody Hates Chris” to raise an army to go rescue Carol and Beth from the clutches of the evil hospital. Rick and the gang – minus the ones he sired, Michonne and Fr. Gabe leave for Atlanta. In the church, Carl tries to teach Fr. Gabe to fight, Fr. Gabe loses interests and secretly escapes the church like it were Shawshank prison, if Shawshank were the easiest place in the world to escape from.

                On the warfront, Rick is all gung ho to storm the compound and start killing some dudes, but Ty is like “There’s another way” and Daryl agrees. Instead, they capture some cops and plan to conduct a prisoner exchange. Things go mostly according to plan until one of the cops headbutts Sasha and escapes.

                Elsewhere, Eugene is still unconscious and Abraham has stopped doing anything other than knocking water bottles out of the hands of pretty Latina gals. Maggie gets left behind to babysit them while Glenn, Rosita and Fist Bump girl go to get water, which they do and on the way, they find a yo-yo. So that worked out. Eventually Eugene wakes up and Abraham decides that making love to Rosita is probably enough to fill the void no longer needing to drag a mulleted weirdo across the country has left in his life.

                Finally, Carol is also unconscious, but the cops decide to pull the plug on her because she’s an older gray-haired lady. What could she be good for? Secretly, leader cop lady tells Beth to keep Carol alive because this hospital is just the world’s biggest failed marriage where everyone hates each other and each of them will stop at nothing to undermine what the other says or does.  

Good & Bad: 'The Walking Dead' (11/16/14)

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Season 5, Episode 6: “Consumed”

Plot: This week opens with Daryl and Carol in hot pursuit of the mysterious car with the white cross on the back, which they suspect will lead them to Beth. Said pursuit leads them back into Atlanta, but before they can do anything touristy (like visit the spot where Daryl’s brother was be-handed and left for dead), their car runs out of gas and they’re forced to travel through the walker-infested city on foot. After a few brief pauses for Carol backstory, they find a clue that leads them pretty much right to the hospital where Beth is being held. Also along the way, they have multiple run-ins with “Everybody Hates Chris” who manages to successfully steal their stuff but who then can’t seem to stop accidentally following them, which leads to them stealing all their stuff back. “Chris” lets it slip that he knows Beth and she is, in fact, in the hospital. Before they can storm the gates and heroically rescue her, Carol is hit by a car and taken to that hospital and Daryl and “Chris” head back to the church to gather an army.

Thoughts:

Bad: Carol deleted scene dump. This episode features several flashbacks to things that have happened to Carol since Rick booted her from the group for burning a couple of sick people alive. Usually I’m on board with flashbacks, but the bits and pieces we get here really don’t matter or accomplish anything. For example: After her banishment, we see Carol being upset, then surviving in a nearby town, then seeing the smoke from the burning prison and going back. I could have guessed that. I did guess it. In another clip, we see Carol burying the bodies of the two little blonde girls who died while in her care. Again, that’s cool, but it’s not adding anything. It feels like this episode clocked in a little short and so to pad the run time, the producers put in all of these extra scenes featuring Carol which had been cut out of other episodes for being unnecessary. Presto! Instant “back story.”

Good(?): There’s an English major take on the reason why these clips were included that I guess needs to be addressed. You could, if you really think about it, make the case that these clips showed her dealing with the consequences of her actions: crying alone in the car after the group cuts her loose, burying the two girls, umm ... having to wipe walker guts off her face with and then subsequently throw away a formerly good poncho. Ok, well, maybe that last one really was just a deleted scene. Unless we find out in the next Carol episode that she had that poncho since she was a little gray-haired girl.

Bad: Worst pursuit ever. Now look, I understand some leaps in logic are occasionally necessary in order to keep the plot moving along and that this isn’t a documentary and so on and so forth, but seriously, people? The guy driving the car with the white cross didn’t notice there was exactly one other car moving on the roads in the state of Georgia and that said car happened to be like 20 feet behind him? C’mon, guys. C’mon. Maybe it would have been better to have the car break down and then Daryl could use his expert tracking skills to follow the driver back to town? You’d think that would be a long walk, but remember, “Walking Dead” has pretty much already established that all of these locations are all on the same street.

Good: Did love the shot of the burned out, rumbly mess that is Atlanta. Very reminiscent of season one when Rick rode into town proudly on horseback.

Bad: This shelter seems significant to Carol, but I have no idea why. Oh well.

Good: Who could this mysterious stranger lurking in the shadows be????

Good: Walker camp-out on the skywalk. So while Carol and Daryl  are making their way from building to building, they come across a group of people who’d decided to camp out in a skywalk … then things took a turn and everyone died somehow. Now the skywalk is full of walkers trapped in tents, in sleeping bags and it is awesome. The tent walkers were an especially nice touch.

Bad: Oh it’s “Chris.” Yay.

Good: Carol hasn’t learned why she can’t kill people yet, Daryl has a giant hillbilly heart of gold. “Chris” is gradually getting away with almost all of their supplies and Carol is all, “Well, guess I gotta shoot this punk kind in the back, yawn, another day in my life,” and Daryl is all “Na brah, live and let live!” and stops her. I don’t love this pairing like I love Baryl (Beth+Daryl), but I guess Dar-ol is pretty good.

Good: Carol explains it all. So the shelter was a place where she went to escape her abusive husband, Christ remember when that was a thing? With her daughter! Remember when that was a thing? Also, she was leaving the group because she didn’t want to see people die. This is good characterization. Her tossing the poncho … less good. Unless that poncho comes back into play later. I reserve the right to change my mind.

Good: Carol and Daryl go to investigate a van hanging off an overpass marked with the same white cross. It’s tense, you know they’re probably going to be fine but I don’t know and then it falls! AHHHHH!

Bad: Boy that fall, somehow landing on all four tires, so anticlimactic.

Bad: “Chris” is the worst ever. He can’t help accidentally following the two people he just ripped off and his big secret hiding spot is like a block from the place he just escaped from. Dude needs to expand his horizons a little bit. Get out and stretch his wings.

Good: Switching gears. Carol almost gets killed saving “Chris” then Daryl tackles him into a bookcase, which then falls on “Chris.” Daryl’s ready to leave Chris to a nearby walker, but Carol is a learning computer (“T-3” was on AMC a lot lately, so I’m just going to carry on with these “Terminator” franchise references) and now understands the value of human life so she goes to kill the walker when out of nowhere…

Good: Maybe the most badass moment in “Walking Dead” history. Daryl, bathed in shadows with a cig just hanging out of the corner of his mouth, casually offs the walker, saving “Chris” and behold a new partnership is born. By the way, at some point “Chris” mentioned he knows an adorable blonde girl named Beth, so there’s that.

Good: The trio is one their way to save the day when SPLAT! Carol gets run over by a car with a white cross on it. She’s taken to the hospital, Daryl and “Chris” head back to the church to gather their army and get ready because another “Walking Dead” battle sequence seems to be coming. Let’s thin the herd a little this time though, huh? We really don’t need ALL of these characters.  

Good & Bad: 'The Walking Dead' (11/9/14)

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Season 5, Episode 5: "Self Help"

Plot: Alright, so I’m way behind schedule on this, so let’s all try to refrain from turning this into one of those long and meandering recaps that takes about the same time to read as it would to actually watch the episode, yeah? I’m looking at you people, it’s not my fault. I’m usually nothing if not brief. See there you go, distracting me already.

            Focus. Focus.

Luckily, this week’s episode of “The Walking Dead,” contains about 1/90 of the story that was crammed into this past week’s Beth episode like ground up people parts into an intestine casing which Gareth would then have eaten for breakfast had he still been with us.

On Sunday, we learned: a terrible secret from Abraham’s past, a terrible secret from Eugene’s past/present, an awesome secret from Abraham’s present (from his POV) and, AND, Rosita (formerly Latina Sarah Connor), Glenn, Maggie and Fist-Bump Girl all get to be mildly-functioning people. In the case of Rosita, for the first time!

Good & Bad: 'The Walking Dead' (11/2/14)

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Season Five, Episode Four: “Slabtown”

Plot: Short answer is, we found Beth and she’s alive. Long answer? Eesh.

So, while Beth may be alive, she’s in a bit of a pickle, pickle in this sense meaning a hospital full of rapists, murderers, and people pretending not to notice any of the above. All of said people are dressed like cops and doctors. Some of the cops found Beth fending off zombies after she got separated from Daryl; they picked her up (in that mysterious car with the white cross on the back) and bought her to the hospital. Apparently, as we find out later, things used to be pretty cool at the hospital but then the old leader made some mistakes and bad stuff happened. As a result, new leader Lady Cop has put a system in place based on taking and give back. They saved Beth’s life so she has to become an orderly in the hospital and tend to the other patients. Not so bad, except occasionally, you have to pay off what you owe in other, rape-ier ways.

Beth befriends the hospital’s only doctor, named Doctor or something, who she’s assigned to assist. She also befriends the kid from “Everybody Hates Chris,” who works in the laundry. Doctor handles backstory duties and fills her in on the hospital culture; “Everybody Hates Chris” fills her in on his plan to escape because things there suck.

Then an overwhelming amount of things happen. Most importantly, I think, a guy comes in that Doctor claims is a lost cause. Lady Cop insists he save the man. Doctor does so and then orders Beth to give him some meds. The guy has a seizure and dies and the Doc tells Beth she gave him the wrong drug.

Beth gets slapped around by Lady Cop for this, so she decides to join up with “Everybody Hates Chris” and escape. After narrowly avoiding getting raped by A-Hole Cop by feeding him to a nearby walker, Beth meets up with “Everybody Hates Chris” and they lower themselves down an elevator shaft using an honest to god rope made from tied-together towels. Just when they seem to be home-free, walkers attack them in the parking lot, a group of cops descends on the scene, “Everybody Hates Chris” escapes, leaving Beth behind.

After all this, Beth confronts Doctor and says he intentionally told her the wrong drug to give to the guy. She says he did this because the other guy was also a doctor which could have made Doctor expendable. Doctor agrees to all this and basically says “Gotta do, what’cha gotta do.”

Right before Beth can kill him, Carol rolls in on a stretcher and everyone is all DAMN!

Good & Bad: 'The Walking Dead' (10/26/14)

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Plot: Well that was fast. The remaining Terminus folks had an emotionally busy episode. One minute they’re chowing down on Bob, all happy like. Then they find out poor old Bob had been bitten by a walker, meaning that dinner could repeat on them in a nasty, nasty way. So they ditch Bob back to where they found him and set their trap. See, they know Bob will tell Rick and company where to find them and they further know that Rick will storm over there with the intention of killing all of them dead. And all goes exactly according to plan. A skeleton crew headed by Carl is left behind to guard the church and Rick’s gang goes off to find the Terminus folks, who are actually waiting to attack the under-guarded church while Rick is off hunting them. Of course, Rick is suddenly a master at sniffing out traps and so he leads everyone right back to the church just in time to save the day and massacre all the Terminus people once and for all.

                Along the way we learn Gabriel’s not-so-shocking backstory (hid in the church while his congregation got eaten alive outside), Bob dies and Ty stabs him right in the head for it. Also, Abraham and Rick yell at each other and at the end, Glenn, Maggie, Abraham, Eugene, fist bump girl and Latina Sarah Connor head to D.C. to save the world, Rick and everyone else decide to hold up in the church. Daryl shows up in the middle of the night and acts all mysterious and brooding and handsome when asked about the location of Carol.

Good: Bob’s reveal. I did not see that coming. A couple of friends of mine predicted the reason Bob was such a weepy mess last week was because he’d been bitten, but I thought he was just reminiscing about the good old days. In hindsight, the fact that Bob wasn’t long for the world should have been clear for a couple of reasons: a) He became the group’s conscience. This is a bad spot to be in, ask Dale and Herschel. b) Fr. Gabe is a black man and “The Walking Dead” has a long and suspicious history of offing one minority character to make room for a new one. Still, I totally missed it.

Bad: Gabe’s backstory. Not that it was bad, per say, more just predictable. Thus far, I still think this should have been a one and done thing.

Good: Abraham vs. Rick. I’d watch this match. Abraham has the guns, but Rick will do literally everything to win. I’m not sure Abraham is prepared to stab Rick to death with a porcupine after chocking him out with a sock puppet wearing a feathered boa. These are things that Rick does every single day. Muscles, numbers, they don’t win in a fight with Rick. You need to fully embrace the crazy. 

Good: Should we stay or should we go? In terms of this argument, I probably side with Rick strictly for the “We need to wait here for Daryl and also Carol and so we should probably make the area safe.” I mean, you can’t ever leave Daryl and the only reason the entire group isn’t hamburger right now is Carol so you kind of owe it to her. And that’s not even factoring in the potential of Beth which they don’t know about.  

Bad: Latina Sarah Connor. Can we give this girl something, anything to do? At all? Her just lurking in the background and occasionally yessing or noing along with the group is getting distracting.

Bad: The double cross? Triple cross? Was it actually a cross of any kind? I don’t know, but I was not thrilled with it. For one thing, I wasn’t ready to say good bye to Gareth. Yes, I know last week I said not everything on this show needs to happen in eight episode arcs, but I wouldn’t have minded this particular story going eight episodes. The Gabe thing, that I could take or leave. There was so much untapped potential with the Terminus people. I’m not sure this show has ever really nailed a villain. Either they last way too long (Guv, Shane, Laurie, Andrea) or not long enough (Joe, Gareth). Either way, how did Rick know the trap was set by Terminus peeps? Why did he come back? Was he winking the entire time he talked about getting the Terminus people at the school and I just missed it? Even if you didn’t want to let anyone get taken hostage, you could have had Ty go full beast mode and rip a few of them apart before Rick storms back after hearing their screams. I’ve said it before and I’m sure I’ll say it again, I don’t like Rick as the all-knowing Jack Bauer of this show. He doesn’t need to be an emotionally-shattered mess again either, but stop having him be 15 steps ahead of everyone else. It makes him less interesting.  

Good: “This is a church!” says Fr. Gabe after Rick and the gang beat the Terminus people to death. Ok, first of all, talk about brass balls. You, the man who hid in the church while his congregation was eaten by walkers outside, don’t get to judge anybody for doing anything anywhere. Also, it gave us this great, nothing-is-sacred-anymore line from Maggie, who is still in this show in case you forgot: “No, it’s just four walls and a roof.”

Bad: Way to dodge the question of whether eating an infected human will make you a walker, “Walking Dead” writing team. Inquiring minds want to know.

Good: We haven’t done the sad walker turn in a while. Was Laurie the last one? Oh wait, no I think it was Herschel’s head. Still, been a while.

Bad: Really? We put Ty in charge of killing Bob when he comes back? Ty? The last person Ty was supposed to kill ended up eating Bob’s leg like two days later. Ty seems like the worst possible person for this assignment. At that point, I would have trusted Judith to take care of business before Ty. Judith was at zero whereas Ty was in negative numbers.

Good: Michonne gets her katana back. Seeing her with a gun just felt off. It’d be like seeing Daryl trying to kill someone with Rick’s porcupine.

Good: Yay, we're all split up again and some of us are on the road. Fantastic decision. Something for everyone here.

Good: You all got lucky. Oh, hey, Ty, welcome back to doing stuff all the way through. Feels good to check off boxes again, right?

Good: Sup, Daryl, man of mystery? We get to spend all of next week with you? We better.