The Cheese Life Presents The 2015 Drakie Awards

www.catchannel.com

Here we sit. Christmas is in the rearview. A new year looms ahead and with it comes roughly three or four months of unrelenting bleakness capable of crushing the spirits of even the most stalwart of individuals. Before we get to that joy, however, there is something which must be done first. We must look back at the year that was 2015.

                Ladies and gentlemen, the 2015 Drakie Awards.

                If you’re unfamiliar the Drakies (here are the 2014 Drakies and the 2013 Drakies), they are the awards founded by my friend and business partner Drake Stone. Depending on who you talk to, Stone is either hiding in a concrete bunker in the Rocky Mountains avoiding the former members of the Doomsday cult he founded and misled, or serving as president of a small island mostly populated by seagulls. Wherever he is and whatever he may be doing, he’s entrusted these awards – which he’s often referred to as the least relevant portion of his legacy – to me.  

Despite Stone’s feelings on the awards, I take them very seriously. Before I lock in my selections, I lock myself in a dark, windowless room and spend a week ruminating on the year. What I liked, what I didn’t. Depriving myself of food, water and bathroom privileges. It’s a whole thing. The point is, these winners were not selected lightly. So, without further stalling or ado-ing, I take you to the 2015 Drakies.

Illicit Ramblings from Puppy Bowl Media Week

kennedycreativeevents.com

This Sunday is Super Bowl Sunday which means one thing and one thing only: PUPPY BOWL! That’s right, Puppy Bowl XI will air on Animal Planet this upcoming Sunday at 3 p.m. Yes, sport’s greatest spectacle is upon us once again. Adorable beasts will be pitted against other adorable beasts in a battle of attrition the likes of which is simply unparalleled in today’s world of neutered athletic competition.

                They will chase toys, run up and down an artificial playing surface, probably fall in a water bowl or two, sniff each other’s butts and so on.

                And this year, the competition will be at a level never before witnessed on the Puppy Gridiron. According to a Today.com report, this year the athletes will be divided into two separate teams in lieu of the traditional “every man for himself” arrangement. The two teams will be Team Ruff and Team Fluff and they will battle for the new but already highly-coveted and celebrated “Lumbarki” trophy.

                As is tradition, The Cheese Life submitted a request to Animal Planet to be allowed to participate in Puppy Bowl Media Week and as is tradition that request was denied. Something was said about how “There’s no such thing as Puppy Bowl Media Week, these are just animals, they can’t consent to interviews or even respond to questions in a way that’s able to be written up.” Whatever. I assume it’s because this is a blog and as we all know, Animal Planet is firmly in the pocket of old media.

                Good news: This year a Cheese Life operative managed to sneak into Animal Planet’s corporate headquarters in Silver Spring, MD and get the inside scoop on what we can all expect when the teams hit the field for the only event that matters. Said operative claims to have spent the better part of a week holed up in and around the facility and meeting with many of the event’s key players and officials.

                Now, while I can’t confirm this operative was famed film producer and disgraced corn farmer Drake Stone, I can say that the operative’s notes were left in the third floor men’s room of our very own Cheese Life headquarters. The door to this bathroom was found opened yesterday even though it had been locked since Stone mysteriously vanished, as he had the only key and no one cared enough to call a locksmith. Also, the notes were found in a manila folder with lock of blonde doll hair tied together with a blue and green polka dot ribbon, another very telling sign if you know Drake.