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| imggag.com |
Happy Labor Day to all! For over a hundred years now, the
good citizens of the US have celebrated Labor Day. It’s a day designated to
honor the hard work and sacrifice of the American workforce. That sounds just
dynamite … in theory. In practice, however, Labor Day is a little bit blah.
Allow
me to explain.
See,
Labor Day is the third holiday is a row that’s celebrated in essentially the
exact same way. We wave American flags, shoot off fireworks, go to the beach,
hold a BBQ and maybe watch a parade. In practice, it’s exactly like Memorial
Day and the Fourth of July, except it’s worse because while those fall at the
beginning and middle of summer, Labor Day falls at the end. So it’s exactly
like those other summer holidays, except that it’s also the unofficial start of
the school year.
I’m not
saying we ditch Labor Day. I enjoy days off from work and celebrating America
as much as the next guy. In fact, Labor Day can easily become our greatest holiday. It just needs a slight face lift. Here’s what I’m proposing:
Step 1:
Reformat all Labor Day parades. Typically in a parade, at least the smaller
ones, you get a bunch of kids riding their bikes in red, white and blue, maybe
chucking candy at you. This is nice, but it’s too Memorial Day-y and Fourth of
July-y. For Labor Day, how about we keep the kids, but dress them from head to
toe in rags, cover them in grease and have them throw severed fingers and hands
at onlookers? You know, to symbolize how all of our children could be spending
their youths crawling around inside machinery, losing digits left and right? I
mean, the fingers and hands could be gummies at least. That might be fun.
Step 2:
Put some Union classics in theaters. Movie studios tend to shy
away from Labor Day weekend in terms of big releases. The most successful Labor
Day opening of all time is Rob Zombie’s hot pile of garbage “Halloween.” Since
new-Hollywood isn’t using Labor Day correctly, let’s flood cinemas with some
old school Union classics like “How Green was My Valley.” No non-workforce-related
movies allowed! Make it a day of learning. If this so happens to give movie
theater people a slower holiday, well then don’t say I never did anything foryou.
Step 3:
Do something with costumes. Adults, kids, we all love dressing up as stuff. What
if on Labor Day we all dressed up as our favorite labor leaders? Imagine going
to the grocery store decked out in your finest Samuel Gompers attire and seeing
your typically straight-laced neighbor rocking a Cesar Chavez ensemble? You two
can ask questions about each other’s outfits, maybe share a laugh. Fun and
educational.
Step 4:
We need some sort of game. Easter has its egg hunts. If I was a less
politically correct man, maybe I’d suggest some sort of game where someone
hides a Jimmy Hoffa action figure and then others have to go find it. But I’m
very politically correct and thus I will not suggest that. Not. At. All. Not
suggesting it.
Step 5:
Needs a signature horror movie. All the great holidays have them, Labor Day
needs one. I’ll tweet at Eli Roth about this. Maybe my bestie Alex Aja will
want to help.
Step 6:
Must-have TV tradition. After a long day of cos-play, union movie marathons and morbid
child parades, families may want to settle down together in front of the TV.
What better way to do that than with one of the greatest “Simpsons” episodes of
all time?” An episode which may also be one of the greatest pro-Union works of
all time? That’s right, from season four, episode 17, 1993’s “Last Exit to
Springfield.” Homer as a Union head battles Mr. Burns over the nuclear plant’s
dental plan. It could easily become Labor Day’s answer to the Charlie Brown
Christmas Special or Rudolph.
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