Don't Forget Your Coat - And other not-so-helpful emails from Monster.com

comics.gearlive.com

In a lot of ways, Monster.com is like a doting mother.

For one thing, it knows its way around a good bedtime story. But beyond that, if you ask Monster, there is literally nothing you can’t do.

You want to be a cowboy? Of course you can. What about an astronaut? You betcha.

Even if by the very make-up of your DNA you lack the skills required to hold a job, Monster still has the upmost confidence in you.

Say for example, you want to be a cowboy, but you’re fiercely allergic to cows, denim, wide-brimmed hats and rugged handsomeness. Monster doesn’t care. Monster wants you to follow your cowboy dreams no matter what god or your genes have to say about it.   

As part of its efforts to help users find jobs, Monster likes to send out emails every day with a list of jobs it assumes you’d be perfect for.

The only problem with that is Monster’s motherly inability to filter out jobs that users are in no way qualified for. The results of that design flaw can be equal parts funny and depressing, with a heavy-helping of confusion worked in.

Let’s take a look at the ten most bizarre recommendations I’ve gotten recently from Monster.

• VP National Sales, Mid-Atlantic Territory. If there’s one thing don’t want me doing, it’s selling things. Just ask Blockbuster how putting me in charge of selling stuff worked out for it. And that VP title? That’s a surefire way to put your company out of business.
• Instrumentation & Calibration Tech II. I have no idea what this even means, however, I was encouraged by the II in there. At least Monster had the good sense not to ask me to pursue a VP of Instrumentation and Calibration position. Not yet anyway.
• RN/ Wellenss Director. Looks like this company spelled wellness wrong. Hey, you don’t know how to spell it, I don’t know how to do it. I guess in a twisted, drunken way that makes perfect sense when you think about it.
• RN, C.N.A, Wait Staff Housekeeper/ Custodian, Dishwasher. I’m qualified for three of the five things listed above. That’s not too bad. In fact, if this was a baseball job, I’d be Hall of Fame worthy with a batting average like that.
• Staff Electrical Power Engineer / Renewable Energy Plants / Philadelphia Region. I think hiring someone like me to work in your power plant is exactly how that TV show where all the power in the world shuts off forever began.
• Automotive Center Manager. Uh-oh, looks like somebody ready my blog about changing that headlight bulb last week.  
• Staff Quality Engineer, New Product Development (NPD) - Biomaterials Job. I wanted to avoid putting company names in here, but considering this company’s ridiculous quality record as of late (it’s Johnson & Johnson) with recalls and the like, it seemed appropriate. Maybe it’s time to try a new angle for finding your quality control people. You know, aim a little higher.   
• Staff Accountant. Ah me and numbers. There’s a laundry list of math teachers still working their way through therapy who can attest that you don’t want to go down that road with me. No sir.
• Sports Medicine Ambulatory Surgery Center OR Staff Nurse. You had me at sports. Then you went right ahead and lost me with every other word in that title, especially ambulatory, because that’s a big one and also “OR” because eww. 
• CREDENTIALING COORDINATOR ASSISTANT - Medical Staff. I like how excited this company is about this job. And considering my complete and utter lack of medical credentials, I guess I can see why I’d be a good person to be coordinating the credentials of other people.